Original post – November 29, 2020

Thanksgiving 2020. What a difference a year makes. There’s been so much happening in the past 12 months – loss, fear, anger, anxiety, sadness, frustration, isolation, misunderstandings, choosing sides, polarization. All of these things are happening individually and globally. November 2019 feels like about five years ago. Personally, I don’t think any of us should count this year in our age although the past 12 months has me feeling about ten years older. It’s been such a hard year. I don’t think anyone could have predicted where we are today. Looking through all the pictures of 2019 in comparison to the pictures from 2020, I feel such a sense of loss. Seeing pictures of Thanksgiving gatherings where there’s love and joy and togetherness vs this year. Some people said fuck it and got together anyway while others like me spent this Thanksgiving alone. But even in the pictures of those that chose to gather, you can see the effort of trying to smile through the challenges. There’s not the pure joy of years past. For me, the funny thing is it didn’t even bother me to spend Thanksgiving alone because I’m so accustomed to feeling isolated this year. But it comes in waves for me. There are times when I feel like I’m managing just fine, thank you – but I know it’s running in the background. The toll this year has taken on my mental health is obvious. Tears are right below the surface. It doesn’t take much to get the water works going. It can be as simple as a memory, a song, a thought. Of course when the tears do fall, I feel out of control, which I hate. But the truth is, control is an illusion anyway. If any one of us thought we had any control over anything, 2020 has said “hold my beer” and kicked our collective asses. 2021 doesn’t look much different to me.

While I think these thoughts, I realize that I have lost perspective this year and it’s time to bring it back to basics. This year has shown me it’s time to reset my expectations. I am warm and dry, I have food, I live in a safe place, I have the love of family and friends, and once in a while, I have purpose. But I can’t help but lament what I lack and am unable to appreciate what I have. The word privilege has been used a lot this year and I’ve had a few lessons in what that means in my life lately. So how do I balance gratitude for what I have while wanting so much more? How do I stop the endless comparison to others? How do I overcome the anger I feel when those that have so much more than me tell me I should practice gratitude for what I have? Easy for you to say. If I had what you have, I’d be grateful too. But that’s a rabbit hole for another time.

So here’s the lesson that I needed in the past few days. My plan for Thanksgiving was to not get dressed, watch Netflix, nap, and love on my cat. It’s just another day this year. Now mind you, Thanksgiving is normally my favorite day of the year. I cook for my family and I mean I COOK. I do everything from scratch. I cook for days and fill the house with delicious food and love. Thanksgiving is so beautiful to me because it’s just about being together. There’s no pressure of gift giving, crazy shopping, it doesn’t feel commercialized to me. It’s just about friends, family, love, and gratitude. This year, however, was devoid of all of that. The night before Thanksgiving, my sister texted me asking if I was cooking for myself. Of course not. She, and others, have been trying to drill it into my head that I need to be as loving and kind to myself as I would others but that’s a lesson I have yet to learn. She suggests I order a prepared meal from a restaurant. I don’t really want to because that would interfere with my plan of not getting dressed but I acquiesce because I’m trying to employ the “do it anyway” strategy. I know that if I wait until I feel like doing something, I will do nothing. I know that feelings follow actions, not vice versa. So I get online and search endlessly for restaurants that aren’t already sold out. I remembered that there’s a family restaurant close to me that serves Thanksgiving meals every year. I have a fondness for this restaurant because they also give away free meals to anyone in need on the holidays. So it’s decided. I’m going to order a meal from them and despite my reluctance, I feel good about supporting a family owned restaurant that does so much to give back to the community even during a tough year for restaurants.

Thanksgiving day is spent mostly according to plan until it’s time to go pick up my meal. I pull my hair back, throw on some clothes, get on my high horse, and go get the food. When I enter the lobby of the restaurant, it’s packed with people. The staff are HUSTLING. The demand is great in the best of times. This year even more so. Most of the folks are clearly homeless, some half crazy, but there are others driving up in cars and are clean, like me. Everyone there is so gracious and lovely. They are wishing one another a Happy Thanksgiving. When they call my name, I go to the counter and pull out my debit card. She explains that it’s free. Oh no, I’m gonna pay. The meal was $19.95 and I wrote in a $20.00 tip. I thank them profusely for what they are doing. Looking back on that moment, I think there was a whiff of “look at me doing a good thing.” It’s not a good look. I go home excited to crack open the boxes of delicious favorites. There was turkey, ham, mashed potatoes and gravy, stuffing, mixed veg, a roll, a drink, and a piece of pie. What’s not to love! I’m salivating as I unpack the containers from the bag. When I open the clamshell container, I’m a wee bit horrified to see that the portion of turkey I got was the neck – JUST the neck. Of course I knew that the meal wouldn’t be as good as my cooking but it honestly never occurred to me that I might receive anything other than a perfectly carved piece of white breast meat like I would choose for myself. It’s fair to say I was completely grossed out. All I ate were the 1/2 cup of potatoes and the piece of pumpkin pie. Everything else got tossed. My sister texts me to ask how my dinner was. I said welllllllllllll….. I told her the story and sent her a pic of the offending neck. She apologizes for pushing me to do something nice for myself that didn’t end as well as she’d hoped it would. She says she owes me a dinner. Not even. I mostly thought it was funny. And so ends a crappy Thanksgiving 2020. I stay up way too late playing word games and watching serial killer documentaries. Don’t hate! Self care takes a lot of forms!

The next day, a bunch of other emotional shit happened and I was pretty primed to have an all out cry fest. Not sure why I resist that release so much because it always helps but I do. My sister texts me again asking if I’m home. Um, yeah…..? She says good. A bit later she texts again to ask what the access code is for my building. I tell her I’m not dressed and the house is a disaster – translation I’m not taking visitors at this time. But, I try to figure out the building code anyway. While I’m doing that, I hear a rustling at my door. So much for the building being secure! She texts me again and tells me to open my door. She brought me an entire Thanksgiving meal that she’d prepared. By the time I got the door open, she was gone. I didn’t even see her. What makes this even more unbelievable is she lives 90 minutes away. She came into town solely to bring me this gift. Well, that’s all I needed to ugly cry. All of the emotion of the past few days came out. It was a tornado of emotion and thought. When the dust cleared, I saw the lessons.

I do, in fact, have so much. And this year more than ever, I need to place the importance on that idea that it deserves. As I sat in the lobby of that restaurant waiting for my food, I observed the others. All of them asked for hot coffee with their meals. They were dirty and bundled and SO grateful to have a hot meal. And here I am, turning my nose up at the kind of turkey I received. It’s all perspective, isn’t it? I got into my fairly new car, drove to my fancy, warm, and safe apartment, and had the choice to eat the meal or something else in my cupboards or waste it – which is what I did. How very American of me. This year is about appreciating the baseline. As my doctor said to me, no one wants to LIVE at baseline but sometimes, we need to shift our attitude and be thankful that we at least have that foundation. I’ve been expressing frustration about how I’m feeling. I don’t like feeling on the verge of tears all the time. I want to be happy – not angst filled and sad. I do so much to keep my head mentally above water and I’m disheartened that I feel like shit despite all my efforts. I don’t know anyone that works harder right now on their mental health. I go to therapy, I take medication, I sit in front of a SAD light every day, I meet with my sponsor, I meet with my sponsees, I go to a meeting every night, I talk with friends and family, I write, I read, it’s just not fair. But as was so wisely pointed out to me, not only am I not alone in this experience this year, but imagine how I would feel if I didn’t do all the things. This is where the comparison monster creeps in. Once again, I’m judging my insides by other people’s outsides. I’m watching others highlight reel while living my blooper reel. People don’t post their misery on Facebook. It’s the keep up with the Jones’ of this era. It’s funny because if you ask me if I am driven by that concept, hell no. But clearly, that’s a lie. I see marriages, decades long anniversaries, vacations, houses, loving gestures, gatherings of friends and families, the latest and greatest cars/gadgets, new jobs, raises, promotions, you name it and here I sit on my 15 year old Ikea loveseat that needs replacing in an apartment (which feels like a personal failure) with my cat. Although, my cat IS the best cat ever so there’s that. It’s confusing to me feeling this way. I do not value things. I’m not a shopper. I’m a minimalist. I value experiences yet the lack of things gets into my head and festers.

I don’t know. when the world feels like it’s falling apart, it’s hard to practice gratitude. My job is in jeopardy imminently, I’m having some not so fun diagnostics tomorrow that could have life changing implications which will be amplified if I lose my health insurance, my family is gone all over the country and can’t really travel thanks to COVID and the mother fuckers that won’t wear a mask so we can all be done with this, it’s a lot. It’s hard to cling to the goodness when such huge worries are looming. But I need to force myself.

I REALLY don’t want this blog to be a bitch fest or a downer all the time however, it’s 2020. It is what it is. Part of my motive and commitment when writing this is to tell the truth. I continue to be told by others that my telling it like it is is helpful to others. Do I want my Facebook feed to be filled with stories of struggle? No. But a sprinkling of that commonality might be nice. I know we are all feeling it. Some of us just talk about it more than others. 2020 is a test of stamina and endurance. It feels like standing in waves. Between the waves there’s peace in regrouping and steadying ones self in order to withstand the next one. But I’m so weary. I sure hope someone out there can relate to this. I know for me, when people speak up and their experience is similar to mine, I exhale. It gives me strength to continue to try again. If they can do it, I can do it.

I’m hearing The Rolling Stones in my head. “You Can’t Always Get What You want.” (but you get what you need). I feel like a little child throwing a tantrum. BUT I WANT fill in the blank! Well, tantrums didn’t fly then and they don’t fly now. Today, I’m going to try not to swing the pendulum of self judgement too far to the other side. I find myself wanting to use words like “spoiled” or “entitled” or “privileged” but clobbering myself for feeling how I feel only exacerbates the issue. As I’m frequently told, put down the clubs of shame and should, self criticism and judgement, and pick up the tools that are the antidote to poisonous thinking. I have enough. The irony of my life is there was a time when I did have all the “things” I thought I wanted and long for today but I wanted to put a bullet in my head. I need to continue to push for an enormous change in my attitude and perspective. As much as I would like it to be, readjusting my attitude is not a one and done. I have to shift it over and over and over. There are people out there with real problems. Most of mine are just noise. Bring it back to love, safety, and sobriety. With those things, anything is possible and I have those in spades.

Ugh. This doesn’t feel finished but I feel done for now. That’s pretty symbolic for how I feel about 2020. It’s far from over but I’m so done. Acceptance is the answer. Perfection is a prison. It’s hard for me to just stop. This entry isn’t wrapped up with a neat little bow and some inspirational bullshit that lets the reader know I’m fine but I really am fine. Fine can be defined in so many ways. It could be “in good health and feeling well” according to the online dictionary. It could also be fucked up, insecure, neurotic, and empty. I’m fine. The definition of that depends on the hour.