Original post – January 5, 2021
| Life is just so full of uninvited lessons, isn’t it? Well, it is for me anyway. I have a job I HATE. I could hate it a bit more but not much. I enjoy my team but I am very unhappy with the culture of my company, my bosses methods, and getting yelled at every day by pissed off truckers for things that are their own damn fault. My values are so different and I’m not interested in conforming. I don’t fit. I’ll never fit. I don’t want to fit there. But what I’ve become aware of recently is that while I hate, hate, hate my job and wouldn’t ask for this, it’s provided me lots of opportunities for personal growth. I kind of detest the word “opportunities” in the whole corporate speak language but I really mean it in this context. Because I don’t have a primary relationship and live alone, the only way I can learn to interact differently in times when I’m triggered or my buttons are pushed is by being in an ill fitting environment. My daily interactions with my bosses provide all kinds of information and choices of different action on my part. I am continually triggered and want to react with my default patterns – which aren’t serving me any longer. I may have developed these tendencies for survival but these same tendencies are absolutely in my way today. So yeah, I hate my job. But I can look for the positive among the absolute shit. Again, I wouldn’t choose to continually immerse myself into a daily, hostile interaction but I am there and I can choose to focus on the lesson. Having said that, I am looking for a different job. This current job has allowed me to become very clear on what I would like in a new opportunity. And, when I listen to others, they tell me to pray about it or put it out there to the universe or to set my intentions or manifest or whatever the latest, trendiest, new age thing is. So I sort of did that. I went to Mexico last summer and cried every day on the beach. I had a defining moment. I canNOT do this anymore. I simply cannot. I have only had one other of those moments in my life and that was when I realized I couldn’t stay in my marriage. So I sat there on the beach and thought how can I live here? And what could I do for work? And how can I bridge my present life with my fantasy life? From those thoughts, this blog was born. I can write. That might tide me over while I figure something out. I returned from vacation and began applying for other jobs in earnest. As a result, I was offered a job. It was a lateral job – same kind of thing, basically the same money, and a few of my wish list items. There are some things I don’t like about my current job and there were some aspects in the new position that were the complete opposite of those in a super scary way. One of those things is there’s so much micromanagement and structure in my current job that I’m not given the latitude to make decisions or changes. The potential new job had no structure. It would be entirely up to me to create the structure and make my own path for my position and the business. Whoa! Too much! I was overwhelmed and scared. I declined that offer. I used the excuse that the commute was too far and the PTO was too limited but honestly, it was a lot of fear. I wasn’t sure I could do what they were going to hire me to do and I really wasn’t sure I wanted to do it either. In essence, I ran. What I learned from that experience since I’m new at this manifestation crap is that I need to be more specific with my intention. I didn’t just want a different job. I didn’t just want the opposite of what I have. I thought by leaving my request to the universe broad, I’d have a better shot at getting it. Well, the universe listened and gave me what I put out there. It was only then that I realized my error so I redirected and started over. I put together a longer, more specific mental list of what I wanted and needed in my next job. I applied to all the usual things but I also threw out a few wild cards based on the dreaming I did in Mexico. Long story short, I applied for a job that I didn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of even being considered for much less could actually get. Because I’ve already posted about it, I’ll just hit the high notes. The job is in Hawaii doing exactly what would light my fire. I would be earning a paycheck for doing what I’m personally passionate about in a beautiful, tropical environment. The aspects of the job are challenging and exciting. The employer is right up my alley and aligns so perfectly with my values and what I’m looking for. Well, they called. I go through many rounds of interviews, phone calls, online assessments, and in person meetings. I spent hours taking the next step all the while being incredulous that I was still in the running. They told me they were going to offer me the job and to expect the offer in a few days. Today was that day. However, I’d been trying to make the decision so I’d be prepared when the offer came. I researched all the things. I Googled anything and everything I could think of. I Googled the founders, the business, the methodology of their treatment, what it’s like to live in Hawaii, rental properties in Hawaii, grocery stores in Hawaii, pet stores in Hawaii, I added Hawaii to my daily weather app, how many days of rain in Hilo vs how many days of rain in Portland, I looked into shipping my things vs storing my things, getting an Air BnB for a time while I figured it out, I researched how to get my cat to Hawaii without the 120 day quarantine, I called my vet, I compared shipping my car vs buying a car there, I did salary comparisons, I Googled the price of a gallon of milk, I wondered and worried about how to get my cat to a litter box as quickly as possible after the flight, do I stop at Walmart for a litter box on the way to my housing from the airport, on and on and on with the information gathering obsession. I talked to everyone I could think of to get their input. I contacted people that live in Hawaii and picked their brain. I wondered if anyone would help me move either packing here or settling in there. Maybe I’ll hire a professional organizer to help me sort, toss, and pack. Who would store my piano? Who would I hire to move said piano? Who would let me stay with them after I got rid of my bed before I got on the plane? Maybe I’ll hire someone to clean my place so I can just go. How much is a train ticket from Seattle if I’d be dropping my car off to ship there? I wondered if there were moving coordinators that I could pay to figure shit out much like a wedding planner – so I Googled that too. (there is) I talked to my daughter and my sister. I talked to many, many friends that had done a similar adventure. I talked to other relatives. I talked to my therapist. If anyone that I’d ever known in my whole life had even had a fleeting thought about Hawaii, I talked to them. What it boiled down to was fear, pure and simple. Ultimately, there was no amount of information I could obtain that would give me the answer. It would end up being a leap of faith. I suck at faith. I became very well acquainted with the terror barrier. I finally came to the realization this morning that the ONLY thing that would stop me from taking this once in a lifetime opportunity was fear. The universe handed me everything I ever wanted on a silver platter. The universe even threw in a lesson about self. I have never really done anything solely for myself. My daughter has at the very least been a huge consideration but mostly the most important and only consideration. This was an opportunity to do something that could change my life in the best possible way. So the universe presented a choice. Are you going to do the same damn thing in the same damn place that you’ve lived your whole life until you die or are you going to do something that you’ve always fantasized about but never thought could happen for you? After all the obsessing, I decided. Fear will NOT define me or make this decision. I am moving to Hawaii in a month. I went to work today with relief that the decision was made. The more I sat with my decision, the better it felt and the more intolerable my job became. The emails from my bosses got ignored in favor of surfing the internet for plane tickets and sundresses. Every time my phone lit up with a new email notification, my heart raced. In my mind, the money was the least of my worries. Could I do the job? Do I want to do the job? Am I willing to move my entire life to Hawaii by myself? If I could answer those questions, the money was an easy answer. So it was done and I was relieved. When my phone lit up, I was excited! I’d come up with what I thought the offer should be. I’d need X number of dollars for my salary factoring in cost of living in Hawaii on top of what I currently earn. I figured out what amount of money should be included for relocation/moving costs. I padded the annual comp a bit considering I’d need plane tickets a few times a year to visit my daughter. Then I added a bit because the job is BIG so it shouldn’t be just a lateral move financially. This is good. I am prepared. Show me the money! Well, it came. And it sucked. The money is less than I currently earn, not more – not even a differential for Hawaii cost of living. There’s a very small amount for relocation. There’s a bit of a bump in pay after three months but still less. There’s some nebulous bonus program that is “part of the conversation” but as yet undefined. There’s “intention” to increase my pay over time prior to the one year mark. The vacation is ambiguous. It’s “in accordance with company policy” which I don’t have a copy of. The health insurance is the same. There’s insurance but I don’t know what it is or how much. There’s no retirement or any other benefit. The job description is five pages. The expectation of hours per week is way higher than they communicated verbally. The expectations in general are HUGE and lengthy and very detailed. The job itself is enormous. I knew it would be but seeing it delineated on paper is overwhelming. Sigh……………. The emotions are plentiful and swirling. It’s a bit rapid fire of anger, disappointment, frustration, resentment, insult, throw in a little feeling foolish cuz that’s fun, sadness, and a sprinkle of tears. It’s kind of amusing to step back from and observe. Wait a minute. Wasn’t it just yesterday that I felt lucky to even be considered since I’m not even close to qualified? I mean I KNEW I could do this job and would KILL it but THEY seemed to agree which was a friggin miracle! They were gonna give me a chance! I felt so incredibly honored and fortunate. Funny what a difference a day makes. Suddenly now I’m insulted at the money when just yesterday I wasn’t qualified. I’m angry, insulted, and indignant. Crazy how quickly the ego just takes over, barges in, and makes a scene. But deflation, sadness, and “I told you so” also joined the party. Again, sigh…… I called some super smart friends, texted a few, and told myself to just sit with my feelings and thank God. A year ago, I would have fired off some scathing email expressing my disdain and contempt. That’ll show em. Don’t they know who I am? Ugh. Instead, I’m doing nothing, yet. I am just going to watch the emotions swirl from afar and wait for the dust to settle. Fortunately, they gave me five days to respond. I don’t have the foggiest idea what I will do about any of this. It will come to me. The worst part is that I have to go into that stupid place where I work tomorrow and pretend to give a shit. I was so outta there. The disappointment that I don’t have a ticket out of there today is unfathomable. I am absolutely crestfallen. It’s funny how that works. It was somewhat tolerable before but when a way out presented itself in what I thought was a very real way, it’s become unbearable. If I thought I could get away with calling in sick, I would. But with COVID, you can’t even whisper a symptom without a conversation about quarantine. It’s either stay home for 14 days unpaid and go get a test somewhere else and pay for it yourself instead of getting the test done at work for free OR just take your temp twice a day and come in cuz we’re short staffed. COVID CONTAGION BE DAMNED! Don’t get me started. I need a new job, like yesterday. I don’t think the Hawaii fantasy job is it, unfortunately, as badly as I want it to be. But maybe. Dunno yet. So I guess I have another date with the universe to hone my intentions even further. Silver platters aren’t all they are cracked up to be anyway. They tend to tarnish with age. What’s the takeaway? I conquered fear. I will not let fear make my decisions. I was terrified but I was gonna do it anyway. I was walking through the fear. That’s a huge win. I reached out for help when that’s the last thing I ever want to do. I made myself vulnerable. I put myself out there. I grew through this process and per usual, it’s painful and I hate it. I wish I could learn with ease however that is not my path. But I’ll accept the gift of growth and take the lessons with me wherever my journey decides to take me. Apparently that’s not Hawaii. |
Musings of my World 
On Thu, Nov 4, 2021 at 11:15 PM Musings of my World wrote:
> musingsofmyworldcom7561 posted: ” Original post – January 5, 2021 Life is > just so full of uninvited lessons, isn’t it? Well, it is for me anyway. I > have a job I HATE. I could hate it a bit more but not much. I enjoy my team > but I am very unhappy with the culture of my company, my boss” >
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