Original post – December 21, 2020

It’s been a minute since I’ve put my musings on my little page. Life has been kinda crazy in my world as of late. I’ve been occupied both before and after work quite a bit lately. I haven’t had the brain space or the chunks of time required to put up a post. When I started this blog I felt an obligation to provide frequent and regular content in order to grow and satisfy my readers. Now, I realize that there’s no paparazzi or throngs of people clamoring to hear my latest life lesson or ideation. I can write when I want, really. Delusions of grandeur! Girl, get over yourself.

Do you dare to dream? Or, are you a worker bee marking time until you die trying to find moments of joy along the way? Or, are you somewhere in-between? I’ve been a “head down, do the right thing, work hard, pay your bills, and consider yourself lucky that you can do that” person. I’ve never really had the luxury of dreaming. I suppose it comes from a childhood without hope. Well, that’s not true. I think there was a lot of hope for things to be different but much more disappointment in the reality that things were never going to change. It wasn’t a one time thing either. It was years of daily disappointments and betrayals. It’s funny. I always say I’m the most hopeful hopeless person you will ever meet. Nothing will ever really work out for me in the long term but maybe this ONE TIME will be different. I’m fucking Charlie Brown with the football. I want so badly to believe that this time will be different so I try yet again only to be disappointed once more. The aftermath is the self criticism, shaming, and judgement that I should have known better. That little spin cycle has a way of squashing any little ember of hope that generally life will be different for you. However, amnesia is a thing. This time it’ll be different. This time it’ll be different. This time it’ll be different. The definition of insanity, really. So eventually, I came to believe that luck and good fortune were for other people but not for me. I’m hearing a country western song – “if it weren’t for bad luck I’d have no luck at all!”

Just exactly how much effort and how many years of deprogramming does it take to see the world as full of possibilities rather than limitations? Well, for me, it’s 56 years and counting. Although, the view is starting to shift ever so slightly. I am part of a community of people that truly believe that all things are possible. I am trying to learn, absorb through osmosis, have it rub off, whatever so I can change from Eeyore to Polyanna. Ok, maybe not Polyanna, I mean, let’s not get crazy here, but at the very least let’s go for neutral. How about that? I practice gratitude which involves first noticing things to be grateful for. I have really learned in recent years that you will find what you seek. If you are looking for the worst in people, you will encounter a world full of assholes. Conversely, if you take note of the sparkles of the frost on the blades of grass in the morning sunlight and truly appreciate the beauty of that, for example, you will see the goodness of the world. Yes, the yuck is still there but the balance has shifted from nothing will EVER work out for me to just maybe it might. I always used to think well, it’s easy to be grateful when you have a lot and I don’t have shit! But now I know that it’s the little things that pile up to create a beautiful life of “a lot.”

So where am I going with all this? Well, I dared to dream recently. Although it wasn’t a conscious action, it’s was more like a what the hell moment. I threw my hat into the ring for a job that I am not at all qualified for on paper. Could I DO the job? Absolutely without question could I not only do it, I’d be friggin good at it, and I would LOVE it. But when you’re just a resume lacking credentials stacked up against others that tick all the boxes, I believed I had zero chance of even being considered. Well, I guess it wasn’t zero chance or I wouldn’t have tried. Let’s say 99.99% chance. Well, the .01% happened. The people that screened the resumes saw something that prompted them to consider me and contact me for an interview. Crazy. I might as well have won the lottery – that’s how slim my chances were to even having the opportunity to talk with these people. But it happened! How’d it go?

The interview was unlike any interview I’ve had and I’ve had a lot in my life. When I’m interviewing for a job, I’m interviewing them as much as they are me. The questions they ask, their demeanor, how they approach it, it’s all useful information for me in deciding whether or not I want to pursue the position. I can learn a great deal about the culture, values, and focus of an organization through the questions they ask. This gentleman asked the questions I ask in interviews – only a whole lot more of them and a few wild cards. But the intent was the same. When I’m interviewing someone, I’m much more interested in who you are than what you’ve done. His questions of me were absolutely who are you questions. The format was very dry and formal. He’d ask a question, I’d answer, he’d ask another question. There was no conversation, no facial expression, no context, nothing. He’d throw out a vague question and allow me to frame it however I thought was relevant. Well, since going in I knew I don’t have any letters behind my name, I have nothing to lose. I am going to be 100% me and answer completely honestly. I’m not going to try to fudge my way through something I have no knowledge of and since these questions were character and personality questions, I can’t give a wrong answer. I chose to be me – all of me – not professional me, not use the words they’d like to hear me, not interview me, not make the best impression me, but me exactly as I am, warts and all. If I don’t fit, I don’t fit. And if I don’t fit, it is what it is. I already have a job where I don’t fit. I don’t need different one. When the interview concluded, there was no feedback. He was very courteous and simply shared next steps with me should I be selected to move forward. I thanked him for the opportunity and mentioned how honored I was to have been given that opportunity to show them who I am. And that was that.

When I was finished, I had big emotions. Based on the questions he asked, I was so excited to learn more about them and the position. Frankly, I was a little hyper! I sent an email to a dear friend and confidant telling her all about the experience. I shared with her some of the questions because they were so thoughtful and smart. My friend had been a manager and hired people for years in her career and I knew she’d appreciate how different this was. As I was reflecting on my answers and such, I told her that I blew it. Because I chose to be 100% me and tell the truth, I was worried. Some of my answers taken out of context might be scary for a prospective employer. They don’t know my current bosses or the culture where I work. Without that context, they could run with what I said. I told them that my current bosses think I’m too emotional. (my bosses have no emotion so any is too much). I told them that sometimes I’m a bit much because I enjoy having relationships with my team and that’s not for everyone. (my bosses strongly discourage relationships with my team aside from the fake ones that feign concern). So if I’m hearing these kinds of things, I might think does this chick cry on the daily? Is she an emotional, drama queen? Not at all, but my bosses don’t value what I’m best at and that is building relationships, connecting with people, truly supporting people and helping them grow and develop. I encourage and empower people and celebrate success but none of that shows up on a spreadsheet or in a measurable metric. Morale isn’t a thing where I work now. To me, it’s everything. So because I’ve been so beaten down at my job for who I am, it’s easy to believe that no one would want what I offer and since I showed this man my truest self, I blew it for SURE. Couple that with the lack of credentials and that’s that.

Guess what, I was wrong. He passed my recorded Zoom video interview onto the next person in his organization who happened to be the other founder of the organization along with him. Two days later, she sent me this simple little email requesting a second interview. She said she had enthusiasm and questions! Enthusiasm? What a cool word choice. So we talked. Was it an interview? Not in the traditional sense. She gave me a very comprehensive understanding of who they are, what they do, and how they do it. I was able to interject a few thoughts here and there but mostly, I was just giddy. This woman spoke my language in every sense. I would fit in so beautifully. We talked for quite some time and ended the conversation with the intent to talk again very soon. She’s also going to mail a book to me written by the founder that outlines the philosophy of their mission. Fantastic! When we finished the phone call, I looked the book up on Amazon and read the excerpts. Again, more alignment with what I think and believe. I may lack the professional experience or degree but I have many years of personal experience that would directly apply to this work situation. From there, I Googled to learn more. I listened to a podcast where he talks more about his methodology. Still more alignment. This feels so good. Really, really good.

And so here we are. I find myself dreaming. I find myself thinking this could actually be a possibility. I have much more to learn about this opportunity but from what I know thus far, I want to chase this. Who knows where it will lead. My job is to take the next steps, let go of the outcome, and the right action will become clear. IF they were to offer me the job, and IF I were to accept it, my entire life would change. I would relocate. But I am at a point in my life of why not? It’s my time. My daughter is now an adult and living in Texas, my sister is at the beach, my other sister is far flung somewhere in the United States with a home base in Louisiana, my parents are gone, and all my friends exist only on Zoom right now anyway. Relationships can be maintained via Zoom. My daughter moving to Texas has taught me that proximity is not a necessity to having a close relationship. Just like being geographically close to someone can feel worlds apart. It’s about intention, effort, and commitment. My circle has that. If I could live in a beautiful place, use my professional experience to work in a field that is my personal passion, who needs to win the lottery? Am I scared? Well, I could be, I suppose, but let’s not get the cart before the horse. I know I’m not afraid to take the next step and that’s a God damned miracle considering this would be a really big deal. This feels like one of those times that people talk about when they say that everything they’ve done thus far has prepared them for this or brought them to this point. Maybe the planets have, in fact, properly aligned for me this time. Maybe….

But here’s the thing. If I don’t get this job offered to me, it’s Ok. While I think I would LOVE LOVE LOVE it, I might not. It might not be right for me. More will be revealed. But while I walk through this process, I am paying attention and taking notes. What about this is so attractive? Is there anything that isn’t? If this doesn’t happen, how can you use what you’ve learned about yourself through this process to better target your search? I’ve been putting good energy out to the universe for some time. I’ve been trying to be fairly specific about my intentions and desires. Who knows what will happen? I could wake up to a thanks but no thanks email. But this experience is exhilarating and I’m gonna hold onto that wherever my job search takes me. I can actually say out loud, for once, I have hope that things could be different – not will be – I’m not there yet – but could be. I’ll keep you posted! (and if any of y’all see Lucy and her damn football, give me a heads up, would ya?)

I have several more interviews this week with other organizations for different opportunities. They are mildly interesting and I will approach them with the attitude that the right answers will be come clear to me. I will continue to be my true self, learn what I can, and go from there. Any of these opportunities would be a distant second choice but since there’s no bird in the hand, I’ll carry on. It would be SO great to make a move that I’m excited about but they can’t all be winners, right? Time will tell. I see big changes in 2021 for me – and in the interest of being very specific since the universe is listening, I see GOOD big changes for me. = )