Original post – September 30, 2020

As you can imagine, I like words. There’s a reason I’m a blogger. (I’m a blogger? When did that happen? Or am I person that blogs? Or just types stuff? *shrug*) There are words I love and words that I dislike and words that I really hate. This is a pretty common sentiment. Turns out, there are lists of words that lots of people dislike. I think many of these are silly words or words that make people uncomfortable for whatever reason – words like moist, phlegm, smear, pus, etc. (I hope I don’t ever have a condition that encompasses all of those at the same time).

The words I really hate are the words that have deep meaning but might not appear so. They are typically words that are casually tossed around but have profound meaning. The word for today day, boys and girls, is STILL. I’m not talking about still as in “the still of the night” or “I love how still the lake is first thing in the morning.” I’m talking about a very different meaning. I think the first time I took notice of this word was after my father died. It was six weeks after his death. My mom called. I was crying. She asked “you’re not still upset about your father, are you?” Gee, I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe because out of the blue he committed suicide. No one knew he was depressed or in whatever frame of mind where he saw no hope of his life ever getting better or different. He was 56. He wasn’t supposed to die. Unexpected, premature death is very difficult. Suicide is horrible and traumatic. So am I STILL upset about my father? Yeah, I am. My mother in-law asked the same question and proceeded to tell me I needed to get it together because I still had a husband to take care of but that’s an entirely different story. I hear it on the news all the time – that stupid “still” word. A child was murdered yesterday. The reporter is doing what they do – interviewing neighbors and family. The lead in is “the family is still grieving the loss of…..” Still. Still? 24 hours later, still.

It can also be used in much more benign ways but just as powerfully. I was talking with a friend the other day. She’d been promoted to a new position with a lot more responsibility. The learning curve is steep. However, as she was describing her day and her new challenges she said “I still don’t know what I’m doing” or “I’m still learning” or some shit. So I asked her “how many days have you had this new job?” Three days. Three days and she STILL didn’t have it all figured out? She still had more to learn? She still had a million questions?

See, there’s an expectation we put on ourselves or others put on us by using that word. There’s a nebulous but prescribed period of time that we are allowed to do things. Any deviation from that falls under the “still” umbrella. There’s a judgement attached to it sprinkled with a little bit of shame and a little bit of not enough. You’re still at that job you hate? You’re still in a terrible marriage? You’re still overweight? You still need help? You still live with your parents? You’re still in college? You still don’t own a house? You’re still not married? It suggests that whatever you’re doing, you should be doing it differently or quicker or you should be further along in your endeavor. We have created such an instant society with little patience and less tolerance for discomfort – ours or in our loved ones. Many of us were raised in a time when all the problems of the world were solved in 30 minutes, even with commercials in-between. We want it all to be wrapped up neatly with a bow and over with. We have a short attention span and don’t know what to do with people that are “still” something. Awkward smiles mostly.

I know along with all of that, I make up all kinds of stories by just being asked one of those questions. I might be alone in that but perhaps not. I guess I take those questions, turn them into a statement, and clobber myself. I’m really good at that. For example, I’ve been in my current job for five years. It’s a very fluid situation where change is constant. There’s always some new policy or procedure that’s being rolled out. Often times, the training on said new procedure is minimal at best. I’ll ask for help or clarification and I’m frequently hit with “you still don’t know how to do that? You watched the video, didn’t you?” Now I know my bosses are terrible communicators and I’m an easy target so those questions turn into one of two things. It’s either more criticism coming from them, real or imagined, or self inflicted. I should know. I guess I should have paid more attention to the video. Perhaps I should have taken better notes. Apparently I don’t learn as fast as other people. I guess I’m not as smart as other people. Why does everyone else seem to understand this and I don’t? How am I gonna figure this out real quick? It’s a super fun spiral, in case you were wondering. What usually comes out of my mouth is some sort of defense or deflection or nonsense. Oh yeah, I just need to do it once or twice before I really get it. Or, yes I watched the video but I was wondering if you had any other tips? Bluffing and back peddling.

The missing piece here is grace. Why would we expect that we wouldn’t be grieving a day, a month, or a year after the death of someone significant? Why do we demand that we “get” everything in a few days? Why do we expect that we came out of the egg knowing how to do most everything and mastery doesn’t require practice and repetition? We need to give ourselves a break. At least I do, anyway. We are who we are and we are where we are until we aren’t anymore. There’s no timeline for grief or learning or getting married or moving out of your parents’ basement or whatever. What’s right for me might not be right for you but it’s up to me to decide that for myself. Acceptance of what is doesn’t mean we don’t aspire for more or better or different. It just means that we do the best we can today. Some days my best is better than others but if I’ve done my best, I can sleep peacefully knowing there’s nothing more I could have done or I would have done it and therefore, I accept the outcome, for now. Tomorrow, I’ll try again. Does that mean I’m still not enough? Absolutely not. It means I allow myself to explore, to experiment, to learn new things, and to expect to not do everything perfectly or quickly the first time. It also means that I will not be defeated and I will not allow anyone else to define my success or failure. I will use my own measuring stick of time expectations and it sure as hell won’t have the word “still” on it. I’m still a work in progress and am proud of that fact because each day I grow and learn. I’m not done yet and most of the time I don’t ever want to be. It’s my intention that when I’m 100 years old (assuming I’m around) I’ll STILL be mouthy, full of opinions, and changing day by day.

Next time, boys and girls, we’ll talk about the word “just.” Think on that.

(or something else completely, who knows. I still haven’t decided *wink*)