Original post – August 31, 2020

Is anyone else tired? I am oh so very tired. I really don’t want this blog space to be about anything political but I’m so sick of all of it. COVID, masks, social distancing (or not), black lives matter, protests, election, police brutality, children in cages, LGBTQ rights, women’s rights, general hostility and divisiveness, on and on and on. 

Someone asked me today how I was doing with all that’s going on in the world and in my city after 90+ days of continuous protests. I wasn’t sure how to answer that question. How AM I doing? Pretty good, actually. As soon as I had that thought, my next thought was WHY am I pretty good? I think the answer is that I’m weary. It’s just so much. But I don’t want to be “pretty good” with all that is going on. I don’t want to become accustomed to the current state of our country and our communities. The sad thing is I’ve even stopped asking “what now?” Each day is worse than the previous and I expect that. It’s become the norm to have today’s news be more horrifying than yesterday’s.

I think the trouble is that these things have been going on for such a long time now. I think many of us thought this COVID thing would come and go if we all just knuckled down during the lockdown period. You can do anything for a while, right? Well, we were wrong. Here we are six months later with no end in sight. At least here, the daily cases are six to eight times higher than they were when we entered lock down. But people are so sick of it, they are clamoring for fewer restrictions. Many people want kids back in school. More and more pictures are being posted on social media of people that do not live together camping, BBQ’ing, dining out, without masks – close together. I get it. We’re bored, we’re isolated, we miss our people. However, this virus is far from gone. We are a long way from herd immunity or a vaccine. So many more people are going to get sick and possibly die because someone wanted to have a birthday party. I can say that all the testing that we are doing at work are on people that went to a family/friends event and disregarded social distancing and masks. *cue selfie*

The emotions that go along with this period of time in our lives are many and extreme. I myself have felt intense and enduring anger, frustration, sadness, disappointment, disgust, fear, job insecurity, stress, exhaustion, and apathy, among other things. Not sure those all qualify as emotions but I’ve felt them all down to my toes. I was trying to think if there was joy, gratitude, or anything positive and I realized those have been hard to come by. I know I am not alone in this experience. The things I normally do to take care of myself aren’t adequate right now. Many of the things I do to relax or distract myself are not even open and available. Add to that the self imposed isolation from friends and family and it’s just a lot. Yes, I talk to my people. I Zoom like nobody’s business. I read. I write. I distract. I sleep. But mostly, I react. 

I’ve gotten better though, over the months of COVID and all the other things that have been happening at the same time. I was like a pinball in the beginning. I’d react with raw emotion to everything without a thought of how I might like to respond. I spent a long time just furious at people. The mask battle was a war I chose to wage for a good long while. It was/is a requirement at work for all patients to wear masks. I was/am the enforcer of that policy. For months, I’d try to explain why we had the policy, or why it was important, or what the CDC recommended, or what the governor required, or whatever I thought would convince people to willingly put on a mask correctly and not come at me with hostility. That did not go well, mostly because I continued to try. The result was me spending all day really angry and frustrated. My explanation actually invited patients to tell me what they thought with great fervor. But, I finally got to the point where I just don’t care. Put on a mask or leave, period. The why is not relevant. I don’t want to hear your opinion as to whether or not this is bullshit, your politics, or your opinion. And guess what happened? My life became a lot more peaceful. 

The mask debate is easy though. The other things are a lot more difficult. I don’t want to turn away from the things that are going on in the world because they don’t personally impact me. My neighborhood isn’t being burned down, covered with graffiti, and no one is being tear gassed or shot on my doorstep. I don’t wonder when I get pulled over for speeding if I’ll be shot or choked while handcuffed. My child hasn’t been taken from me and put in a cage. The only thing that’s affected me in any way was cutbacks and difficulties at work. Big deal. But I do think because I am fortunate and have the luxury of not having to experience those things, it’s my responsibility and obligation to do what I can. I just feel like one of the reasons that the Nazi’s were able to exterminate millions of people is because the people that were personally unaffected stood by and did nothing. They turned their attention away. “Well, they haven’t taken anyone in MY family so……” I do feel pretty powerless though. I’m unsure what I can do – what one person can do. I know I can vote in every election. I can research all candidates and vote for those that truly represent me and my opinions. I’ve also been paying attention to how various businesses have responded to the events of our time and I can spend my money with businesses that align with my values and NOT spend a nickel with businesses that don’t. I don’t care if someplace else is more convenient or cheaper. I will draw that line in the sand. That I can do. And I am. I can also listen to those that know more than me and to those that ARE experiencing all these things first hand. I can learn. I can acknowledge my own ignorance and privilege and commit to be better. 

I wish I had the answers to what’s happening right now. I wish I had ONE answer. I don’t. I’m frustrated with people criticizing the protesters. Kneeling athletes and peaceful protests were ridiculed and discounted. More robust protests were condemned and met with hostile counter protesters. Now, professional protesters are coming to my city. All the nut job extremists are treating major social issues like a tailgater waving their flags, hooting and hollering, and creating more havoc. It’s a mess. But just how exactly are people in our free country supposed to stand up for change? It’s not like the issues are minor. The protests are largely a result of repeated, condoned murder of innocent people. Are we supposed to write our congressmen and hope for the best? And wait? And hope no one else dies while the wheels of legislation slowly grind? 

Well shit, the soapbox did, in fact, come out to play. Sorry, not sorry. What I am doing to get through this with my mental health as intact as possible is practice acceptance and staying in the moment. It’s easy to get overwhelmed with all the emotions and all the going’s on. While this feels like it’s gone on forever and there’s no end in sight, it will end. We will look back on this period of time and remember how we endured. It doesn’t serve me to waste my energy wishing today was different. It isn’t different. But what I can do is do my part and wear a fucking mask. I can pay attention, notice joyful moments, and practice gratitude. I can focus on what needs doing today and not worry about tomorrow or next week or six months from now. I can also show up with my best self, as much as possible. I’m a work in progress and some days are better than others but everyone is struggling. I can be available for others. I can be a good friend, a good mom, a good sister, and begrudgingly a decent employee. I can listen. I can share my experience. I can offer comfort and strength. I can show kindness and compassion. I can also tell a motherfucker off because I’m not perfect. But someone’s gotta do it.