Just when you think it’s safe to think you’ve arrived, that you’ve learned all you were meant to learn, the universe has other ideas. Previously, on the last episode of my life, I had finally succumbed to the universe and the idea of manifestation. Not that I believed it for one second but I was so broken and out of options that I said Ok fine, universe, here’s what I want. I double dog dare you. Well, I’ve since learned in a variety of situations that the universe is very literal. I was nowhere near specific enough though at the time I thought I was. In July 2020, I said to the universe I wanted to live in a climate that makes me feel good, surrounded by beauty, doing a job that feeds my soul. I never thought for a second anything would come of it but here I am. I live in Hawaii, have the most incredible job, and my personal life has recently become unbelievably satisfying – although that story is for another day, perhaps. Maybe not, we’ll see.

Back to Hawaii and the job. I moved to Hawaii for this job. When I went through the interview process, I felt so honored that these people, the founders of the organization, saw all of me and wanted me to lead their vision. Me? Come on. No way. I respected and admired these people and felt so aligned with their culture. It was a perfect marriage. But one thing I learned years ago is that marriages change – this one included. I moved to Hawaii on February 1, 2021. I was full of hope and willingness and vulnerability. I showed up for my job with the attitude that I am here to learn. I need to learn a new job, a new city, a new culture, new everything. And that’s what I set out to do. My new boss had much she wanted to teach me and I was here for it even though there were occasions where I thought hmmmm, this doesn’t seem right. I deferred to her because obviously she knows more than me. That’s a whole other thing. Why when I feel less than do I give up my power to others? I knew I wasn’t qualified on paper for this job. I knew in my soul I could do this job however, there was a part of me that felt like they’d done me a favor by hiring me rather than me earning this job. My gut was talking to me about what I know vs what she was telling me but I chose time and time again to set that aside in deference to another – I really thought I was past that in life. Apparently not. I figured out very recently that I’d done this deference thing and put a stop to it and only spent a minute flogging myself for not trusting myself again.

So here I am, being the perfect little sponge, absorbing whatever I could so I could perform my job to the best of my ability. My boss decided to come to Hawaii because as she put it, she “could hear the stress in my voice” and wanted to support me. When she arrived, she invited me to take the afternoon off with her, go to the beach, and get in the water. It was just another example of this unbelievable life I had and what a cool boss she is, right? Riiiiiiiiiight. We do, in fact, go to the beach and get in the water. We are floating and chatting and I’m pinching myself yet again that I get to do this. Then, as I’m in la la land, she informs me that she’s sold the business. It’s June. I’ve been here for 3 months. She tells me who she’s sold it to and what their plans are, etc. Honestly, I think I stopped listening after “I’ve sold the business.” She said “surely you had to know this was coming when I said ‘you never know, things can change at any time.’” Um no, I didn’t make that leap. Nowhere in my mind was there a possibility that I’d get rid of everything I own, move to Hawaii with two suitcases, and the reason I moved would change so drastically. We all know what happens when a business is sold. The manager is the first to go. She asked me how I felt. At the time I said scared and sad and I was. This began yet another journey of self discovery that I didn’t want nor did I ask for. Turns out when you ask the universe for a job that you’re passionate about in a climate that makes you feel good, you also need to specify a duration of time. The universe delivered then laughed that I failed to mention how long I wanted to have this job in this place. 

My fear and sadness soon turned to anger and resentment. But I couldn’t stay there for long so the processing began. What am I gonna do about this? Am I gonna go back to Oregon? I mean really, that was always the plan anyway but I had hoped the timeline would be on my terms, not theirs. They asked me in the interview if they hired me, how long would I stay? I remember wondering if I should just say 2-3 years or if I should be cagey and say “one never knows what the future holds.” I said the latter. But I think I added that I had no plans to leave Hawaii or some shit, I don’t remember exactly. More questions arose with this new information and the associated emotions. Am I going back to Oregon? Am I staying in Hawaii? Am I applying for jobs in both places and being open to whatever is supposed to happen, happening? Am I going to curl up in the fetal position and pull the blankets over my head? That was the most likely option in the short term. Seemed reasonable. 

What I did do was focus on my daughter’s wedding. It was a month away. I was going to Oregon for all things wedding then had a week of seeing friends after the wedding. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect. My friends had a similar reaction to the news that the business was being sold. Are you freaking kidding me? They hired you knowing they were selling? Who does that? They were angry on my behalf and of course, protective of me. It was great to begin processing this information with my people. 

I began to deconstruct my decision to take the job and move across the ocean. Did I, in fact, move for these people, the founders? Yeah, I did. But what is real now? What’s real now is that I LOVE the work. I LOVE the team. I AM good at this. I can make a difference in the lives of my team members and more importantly, I can make a difference in the lives of the clients that are out of options. They come to save their lives and I’m able to help them do that. I don’t want to give that up. I discovered that these two people, the founders, weren’t a required element in my decision to stay or go. Was I willing and/or interested in staying given that they were going to be out of the picture? Yes, absolutely.

Once I got to that place, boy howdy did clarity show up for me. I began to look back over our time together and started to notice inconsistencies and decision points for myself. When I stopped drinking the kool aid, the veil lifted and I could look at my part in this and where I found myself. As I realized I’d given up my power in the way that I did, I could reclaim it and let go of the anger and resentment toward them. They were moving forward with their life plans that had nothing to do with me. They didn’t do this “to” me. I had made up a story of how long this relationship was going to last but it was just fantasy. I can’t blame them for my own imagination. This is another lesson for me. This past year has been repeated choices. Do you want to do what you’ve always done and get what you’ve always had and be safe or do you want to be brave, take a risk, and go for what you want? Are you in charge of your life or aren’t you? I could have easily taken the victim position and cried poor me, look what they did to me. But that’s not who I am. Call it a blessing or a curse but I am determined and tenacious. Sure, I wallowed for a minute in self pity but not for long. I shifted toward the theme of this chapter in my life. Stay in the present. Let go of the outcome. Be open. See what happens. Trust yourself. 

I can say that the result of this philosophy has been better than I could have imagined, in all areas of my life. The business has finally sold though it took much, much longer than anticipated and not without all kinds of unpleasant shenanigans. But I didn’t let the quagmire of nonsense deter my resolve to remember who I am and stay centered and true to my values. I have behaved honorably, given my best, and remained committed to my team and our work together. The strength of my beliefs has guided me in being able to respond in accordance with my goals rather than reacting like a pinball being battered by the chaos of others. Just because others are on the crazy train doesn’t mean I have to jump on with them despite their insistence.

This is uncharted territory for me and I’m blazing the trail as I go. But one thing I’m experimenting with albeit with fear in my heart is that big risks have big rewards. Those rewards are here and I’m in disbelief. Something else I’m working on is trying to let go of the past. I keep saying “this kind of stuff never happens for me.” Well, apparently I’m a liar because this stuff has been happening for a year now. For some fucked up reason, I want to hang my hat on “yeah, but.” For 56 years, this wasn’t my experience and I want to continue to consult the evidence and say SEE? But I have yet another defining choice on my plate. Am I going to look back and allow my past to define my future? Fuck that. Am I going to discount all the good that’s happened in 2021 as a fluke? Or a one off? Nope. Am I going to turn the page and look forward with possibility? You bet your ass I am.

There’s much uncertainty in my future. I suppose it’s always been there but in my self imposed cocoon of safety, I never saw that. But there are a few things looming that I don’t like looking at. I want to paint the future with the brush of the past but if I do that, I’m influencing the future. You will find what you look for. That I believe. If I want a different outcome, I have to see the world differently and believe that good is out there for me too. The future is unwritten. My task right now is to stay in the moment, period. The only constant in life is change. So I will savor every moment of this beautiful chapter that I am in knowing that it’s only for a short time and I will handle whatever presents itself with grace to the best of my ability.