When I moved to Hawaii, I was told that the island would decide how long I got to stay. At the time I thought Ok, whatever crazy, I decide my fate. And now, I’m not so sure. 

Making the decision to move to Hawaii was a Herculean feat in my world. I’ve previously posted about the enormous courage I had to muster each step of the way throughout the interview process, the packing and moving process, and the getting settled process. My self talk game is off the charts. The voice in my head is telling me horrible but believable things and my therapized head is continually correcting those thoughts. I’ve had to walk through so much fear on a daily basis just to get here, much less be here and stay here. But once I settled in, meaning I had the three C’s of comfort – my car, my couch, and my cat – things began to stabilize. But I’m learning that nothing stays the same and apparently in my world lately, not for very long.

I moved to Hawaii February 1. Due to rabies quarantine requirements, I had to come to Hawaii without my baby boy – Oscar. He stayed in Portland with a friend for a month rather than in a cage in Hawaii to the tune of $15/day. The son of a friend brought him to me on March 5 and all was right with the world. I had my little love sponge with me. My couch had arrived just days prior. My car arrived the following week. The beginning of March was good. I felt more at peace. Unfortunately, that peaceful feeling was fleeting. Oscar died on April 20. Granted, he was a little old man of 17 but I surely thought I’d have more than six weeks with him. Losing him shook me to my core. So now I’m here, by myself, no friends, no family, and this tremendous loss. He was such an anchor for me and got me through the extreme difficulty of early COVID, my mother’s death, and just being here, alone. To have his little heartbeat in my house, running for me when I opened the door, sitting on the edge of the tub while I showered, sleeping on my chest each night, snuggled up to me every evening purring in his sleep while I read or watched television or wrote – to have him gone was a huge test of my strength. That lead to an underlying sense of aloneness that I’d never experienced in my life. Sure, I had friends and family but they weren’t HERE. I had no one, here.

Fast forward to June 16, I’d been here 4 months. My boss flies here to “support” me, so she said. Apparently her idea of supporting me was to tell me that the company that I’d moved across the ocean for was being sold. Neato. Another earthquake in my world. Oscar is gone. The entire reason I came here was in jeopardy. Would I lose my job? Perhaps. If I didn’t, would I still want it? Don’t know. But more uncertainty was prevalent. I friggin hate uncertainty, just sayin’.

July – my daughter gets married in Portland. The wedding was lovely. It was a damn miracle that the wedding could A) happen, B) happen without masks, and C) it didn’t rain. It was perfect. The following week, I packed my days with friends and family. I had breakfast meetings, coffee, lunches, dinners, walks, and I was tearful everyday wondering why I was living in Hawaii when I had a whole life in Portland and the people I’d moved for had deceived me. I applied for a job or two, albeit half heartedly. But I came away from that week amongst my loved ones knowing that my time in Hawaii had an endpoint. At the time, I figured I’d move back to Oregon no later than June 2022. In the meantime, I’d make a point to get out and see and do all that I could while I was here. The new owners of the business would be in place near the end of September 2021, the previous owner would stay on board for 90 days, and that would take me through Christmas. I’d re-evaluate in January 2022. But none of that worked out as planned. The sale didn’t finalize until the first week of November and as I write this, is transitioning at a snail’s pace. So I don’t know what the hell is going on or what things will look like moving forward. The previous owner is not in the picture – which is a very good thing. The new owner is tied up trying to make things happen. And I’m running the show with no solid footing.

What does all this mean? Why is the title “Has The Island Spoken?” During my time here, I’ve made 2.5 friends – all from work. One friend used to work with me but she bailed in June for a more stable position. Turns out, she can’t survive being laid off 4-6 times a year. Shocking. My half friend is someone that I enjoy but only see once a week at work and I’m usually too busy to connect with her – and she lives 90 minutes away. My third friend is quitting. Another earthquake. She and I were going to navigate through this transition at work and blaze a new trail. She was an integral piece of the puzzle. Can I do this job without her? Of course. Do I want to? Not really. 

Let’s recap. Moved here despite nearly paralyzing fear – did it anyway. Made the best of it and was gentle with myself in my expectations – whole new world, life, job, community or lack thereof. Loss – times five – Oscar, job change, two friends (still friends but not on the daily – they all live 90 minutes away), and another big loss on the horizon. I’m tired. I don’t feel good. I’m sad. But mostly, I’m in the weeds. I can’t seem to get clarity. I’m hoping by letting my fingers do the walking I’ll find my way. Hasn’t happened so I’ll keep typing.

I just want to scream at the universe – WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!?!?! Is my lesson to persevere despite all this change? Or, is my lesson to run screaming and get on a plane to God knows where? Because where the fuck would I go anyway? I’m not going back to rain and dark. I feel like the reasons I came to Hawaii are one by one falling by the wayside. And not only that, I’m now feeling pushed to get off this island. There’s nothing here for me anymore. And I know some of you will say “Oh but you love your job.” Do I? Right now, I don’t. As I refine and define what it is that I like about it, I’m having a hard time coming up with anything. I don’t like the clients at the moment. They are whiny and avoiding. I find myself feeling frustrated – why the fuck did you come? I have the bandwidth of a gnat. I find myself having to fight the therapists to not cave into the clients’ demands for more beach time and less therapy. I’m having HR issues that are never fun – discipline and termination – hate that part. The new owners, despite their best efforts and vision continue to come up against obstacle after obstacle that makes everything difficult. No new clients on the horizon due to all the transitional bullshit that is happening about as fast as cold molasses in January. In a week, I’ll be laying off my entire staff if that doesn’t change. Why am I here?

Yep, I hear you, island. It may be time to go. I’ve been tested in big and small ways since I’ve been here. I’ve risen to every challenge including saying YES to the universe when I continue to be offered everything I’ve ever wanted even though I’ve been terrified. I’ve pushed through my fear and skepticism. I’m tough. I’ve proven that time and time again. But I’m tired. I’m tired of being tough. CAN I do it? 100%. Do I want to? Not at the moment. Maybe tomorrow I will but I doubt it. But I think I might just be done. And my quasi goal of being a writer is becoming further into the distance. The noise of all this depletes me of the energy to chase after my passion. I have nothing left to pursue that and when that happens, self doubt takes over and gathers momentum. 

I get it. I hate change. I always have. This year has shown me that I must embrace change. I have no choice. When I decided to burst out of the safety of the cocoon that I’d so carefully crafted for myself, I didn’t realize that I was subscribing to a chapter of change. I thought I’d make one change (move to Hawaii, ha! Small change, right?) and I’d be set like I always had been. I’d be settled and safe. Seems silly looking back that I really believed that I’d make one static decision and really not get that I was setting in motion a year of adjustments, course corrections, and re-evaluations. Can’t I just be, for a bit? Apparently not. I wonder if I say, out loud, to the universe, I LOVE CHANGE!!!! – if I can get off this merry go round? Think that’ll do it? Nah. The universe knows when I’m lying. I’ve never believed in fake it til you make it either. I suck at faking anything.

I don’t pray. But I do ask the universe for clarity and that’s what I need now. I want to run but can’t. I don’t want to go to work. I want to go to Oregon or Mexico or anywhere but here but I can’t. I don’t have time off and what would I do if I did? Sit on a beach in Mexico and question the meaning of life again? See how well that worked out. LOL Go to Oregon and once again fly back to Hawaii with tears in my eyes because there’s nothing here for me? Right here, right now, sitting with my discomfort, and hoping more will be revealed. That’s the choice. Doesn’t feel like much of a choice but it is what it is. Sure wish I could end this with some sort of revelation or inspiration but it’s not happening tonight. I guess the small lesson since the universe isn’t sharing what the big lesson is – is that it’s Ok for me to be in a piss poor mood once in a while without some glorious wisdom appearing for me to hold on to. I always wonder why others seek out my guidance and advice because from where I’m sitting, I have NO answers. Mostly, I have what hasn’t worked. But what I’m told is that even in moments of despair, I tell the truth and in so doing, others have permission to feel their despair too and know that it’s just part of the story – not the entire story. And, they can see that while I do have these moments, I always, always, always rise, always. And surely, if I can do that, ANYONE can.

Yep. I’m listening. And I think the island has spoken.