The word ho’oponopono roughly translates to “cause things to move back in balance” or to “make things right.” This ancient Hawaiian practice of forgiveness functions as both a communication concept for reconciliation and a tool for restoring self-love and balance. Whew. Read that again. There’s a mantra or prayer, if you will, that serves to create a psychic shift. You can find meditations online to facilitate this but essentially it’s “I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.” This can be pointed externally, internally, or both.

As I sit here licking my wounds and wondering how I got here, this is what I need right now. The past few months have been absolute shit. It feels like being in a cellar during a tornado. Once the storm has passed, the damage is assessed. That’s what I’m seeing. The community I found in Hawaii has been destroyed. There are numerous casualties. People have been harmed and forever changed as a result, myself included. But I digress. Ho’oponopono. I am looking at this from both sides – myself and others.

“I’m sorry.” What about that resonates or applies to me? Whew, so much. Two words pack a big punch. I feel a tremendous sense of responsibility to the team that worked with me and specifically to one employee that I recruited from Oregon to come to this magical, healing place. Am I actually responsible for what’s happened? Could I have done anything differently to protect my team, to preserve the uniqueness of what we’d created together, to even influence the changes? No. And believe me, I tried. I’d say that’s a big part of where I find myself physically right now. I’d been in such a state of panic for so long but unable to affect change in any way. In fact, not only was my input not welcomed, it was ridiculed and criticized. A piece of relief for me was when I realized that the only impact of my efforts was me being sick. “They” were gonna do what they were gonna do. I was jumping up and down pointing out the very real danger for these clients and was told to stay in my lane. I felt like someone had to be the voice for the clients and someone was going to pay a very big price for their negligence. I told myself that was not going to happen on my watch. I see it. I must take action. It’s like if I came upon someone in cardiac arrest. I’m not a doctor and there’s a doctor on scene saying “well, let’s just observe and document. Let’s monitor the situation.” Would I walk away and think to myself “well, if he dies, he dies? The doctor is responsible for the outcome. It’s his license.” While I am no expert by any means, I would jump in and perform CPR because I am certified and would feel compelled to do what I could to save a life. Except in this real situation, I’m told nope, look the other way. Am I sorry? Apologetic for where we are? I guess I’m not in that I tried everything I could. I did everything I knew how to do and came from every imaginable angle to make a difference. My DNA is telling me to be sorry and verbal with that sentiment but doing that would be saying that I failed – or that my best wasn’t good enough, or that I’m not good enough, or I could have done more and chose not to, or something. Of course, I would want a different outcome but it’s not up to me. Do I need to apologize to myself? Maybe. The little girl in me is the one that’s been driving the bus lately. This fear and panic that’s overwhelmed me is from very old wounds that I thought were resolved. I realized that my choices were my default survival skills that show up when I feel unsafe and boy, have I felt unsafe. I do kind of want to apologize to the wounded part of me for not protecting her. If I externalize that part of me it is, in fact, a scared little girl. I wish I could apologize to her for not keeping her safe to the point that she had to step forward to keep us safe. These neural pathways are deeply entrenched. When in fight or flight, I have come to realize that I revert back to the caged animal, primal survival skills developed in a decade or so of repeated trauma. As I’m reading, trauma absolutely creates physiological changes in the brain. One of the ways that appears is losing the ability to discern the difference between real danger in the present and the past. The body doesn’t know past and present. The opportunity for me in this moment is to capture this moment. It’s like when a doctor taps on your knee and your foot bounces. My opportunity is to interrupt that process between the tap and the bounce. It FEELS like I don’t have a choice but, in fact, I do. So I’m digging into that space and trying to expand it so I can choose differently and begin yet again to rewire my brain. 

“Please forgive me.” Ugh. I’ve always had such a hard time with forgiveness. For most of my life, I understood that to mean “it’s Ok” which also meant you can do it again, whatever IT is. It’s almost like saying “I can take it.” But what I’ve learned recently is for me, it’s more of a release of energy around an act – like I will no longer allow this situation to have power over me. Much like acceptance, I have this expectation that it’s a one and done but it absolutely doesn’t work that way. I want to wave a magic wand and proclaim “I FORGIVE YOU” and forever more, I will have peace with a situation. Like if I hire a plane to drag a banner behind it saying “Susanne forgives fill in the blank,” or I buy a full page ad in the New York Times that all will be well. Forgiveness for me is a lather, rinse, repeat situation. When the feelings crop up, I am aware I have a choice. Am I going to feed the yuck or am I going to remind myself that only I control my experience? It’s a HARD one for me. Some situations and emotions are easier than others. Some feel like breathing or hunger or sneezing or something – they just ARE. Do I forgive these people at work? I don’t know if forgiveness is even in the equation. What they are doing isn’t personal. It’s not personal to me, my team, or even the clients. They are doing them. Their values don’t line up with mine at the most basic level – human suffering and greed – but you can’t blame a snake for being a snake. The opportunity lies in my expectations. I do think these people at the very least are damaged humans. I may think they are evil to the core. But it doesn’t even matter. What does matter is my choices given this landscape and my choice is I’m out. Where does forgiveness come into play? I’m not sure. Maybe if it’s acknowledgement and acceptance, then yes. It is what it is. It’s time to put down the weapons and stop fighting. For me, that’s part of taking the energy out of the situation. I suppose that applies to both me and my team. Once I stopped fighting, it became super clear that I couldn’t stay for one more minute, if I had a choice. I’m on temporary disability until May 1, at least. I’m not sure if I can swing that financially but this high blood pressure thing is real and I’d rather face financial uncertainty than having a stroke or whatever other fun can come from this. See? I struggle with forgiveness. Please forgive me, for what? Not being able to control the uncontrollable? For “giving up?” Though I was yelled at by an employee for abandoning them. Maybe I feel guilt around that because they’ve often referred to me as the captain of the ship and the captain basically said “every man for himself” rather than going down with the ship. I just couldn’t. 

“Thank you.” Oh boy. This one is tough too right now. I’m trying hard to find the gratitude in this current situation. There’s a lot in my head right now both professionally and personally around gratitude. For some reason I’m hearing “thank you, Sir, may I have another?” LOL But this is another area of all in or all out. If I’m grateful, I’m grateful for all of it? I’m not. And if I’m not, am I grateful at all? Thank you for this but not that? That’s where my head is. I’m not feeling gratitude at all right now. I’m feeling victimized, if I’m being honest. It feels a bit juvenile like, if I admit that I’m grateful for some things, I’m giving in. I’m just a smidge stubborn.  = ) But the truth is, I am grateful for some things. I’ve been able to live in this beautiful place for a year. That’s something that never in my life did I think could happen and certainly wouldn’t happen even if it were possible, yet here I am. What feels like a hostile environment right now really isn’t. In fact, I’ve found some incredible people here. While I’ve felt like a complete outsider unable to penetrate the community here, what’s been shown to me in the past few weeks is that I am part of a unique group of courageous people that are choosing integrity over financial security. I am so proud of the actions of some. A few of us took a hard stand. A few of us are passively resisting while they find another solution which is still taking a stand. And sadly, a few are drinking the kool aid. I think back to this quote – “First they came for the communists and I did not speak out because I was not a communist. Then they came for the socialists. And I did not speak out because I was not a socialist. Then they came for the trade unionists. And I did not speak out because I was not a trade unionist. Then they came for the Jews. And I did not speak out because I was not a Jew. Then they came for me. And there was no one left to speak for me.” We took a stand. We refused to look away when we saw atrocities even though they didn’t directly impact us and for that, I am proud and grateful. In this instant, I’m even grateful for the pain. That might change tomorrow. I didn’t set out on a lifelong journey of recovering and self healing but that’s what my life seems to be about. The trauma that this current experience has unearthed will no longer be denied. Had I not been in this situation, those traumas would have remained dormant and festering. If I truly want the best life possible, this shit needs to get handled. It took what it took is a phrase my people use a lot. It took me coming to Hawaii, having this job, this job changing, meeting someone that cracked my hard exterior and exposed the vulnerability and softness in me, then being wholloped by this takeover that allowed these memories and experiences to surface. It’s a bit of a perfect storm. They kicked me while I was down – while my resilience was non-existent. I don’t WANT to do any of this but there’s no unringing that bell. This trauma is here. What am I going to do with it? So even in that, I can find a morsel of gratitude. I’ve never shied away from a fight, sometimes to a fault. But now the challenge is to face this head on, as best I can, and move on.

“I love you.” Fuck, THAT is hard too. Who do I love right now? The easy answer is my friends and family. The difficult answer is what about me? I’m in this therapeutic situation where I’m being questioned about everything I believe. It’s the work I want to do right now in therapy even though it’s next level hard. Let’s take my current health situation. I’m on temporary disability due to PTSD induced high blood pressure. When I went to the doctor initially, I went solely for the purpose of sticking it to my new employer. I wanted a note to be off work for a few days. Ego was part of it, for sure. I’ll show them. We’d organized a walk out, sick out, strike, whatever with our own Norma Rae leading the charge. A few of us had decided we’d try to be out “sick” at the same time. As I’m walking into the clinic, my head is full of self judgment and criticism. How hard is it? Come on. Just go to work. You just have to drive there, sit at a computer for a few hours, then drive home. You can’t do that? Really? You can deal with the lack of sleep, the headaches, the nausea, the cramping, the shaking, the shallow breathing. Just fucking do it. What, are you gonna milk the system and take away from people with real problems? As this is in my head, I’m trying to figure out what I’m going to say to the doctor when she comes in. What AM I going to say? “My job is hard. Can you take me off work for a few days?” Come on. She’s not gonna believe me anyway or think I’m just being a baby. What in fact happened is the nurse came in and asked me why I was there. I burst into tears and couldn’t even say anything. She just kept saying it’s Ok, it’s Ok, it’s Ok as I sobbed. I filled out the anxiety and suicide assessments and she took my BP. High. Like, really high. Long story short, off work but only for a few days. I had to get a longer period from my therapist – which I did. When I did see my therapist, we didn’t specifically talk about self love but rather, self criticism, judgment, and high standards. He asked me if my daughter had told me about this experience, would I judge her? And criticize her for not being tough enough? Of course not. I said well, if I suddenly got a cancer diagnosis and had to go on TDI, there wouldn’t be a thought that I should just try harder. I wouldn’t think I was letting anyone down. It would be obvious to me and everyone else and apparently “acceptable” in my mind to take off work for treatment. That would be legit, valid. Stress? Pfffft. Suck it up, buttercup. I can judge a lot of things about myself right now and think I should be better but I can’t judge blood pressure. The body doesn’t lie. I’m thinking of that quote “If you don’t make time for your wellness, you’ll be forced to take time for your illness.” And here we are. So why do I hold myself to a higher standard than others? If one of my employees came to me with this situation, I would figure out a plan to get their job covered, period. I wouldn’t think, wow, now there’s a wimp. I would support their treatment and recovery. Why am I different? It goes back to the DNA. Intellectually, I know I have a tremendous amount to offer to the world. I’m a pretty cool chick, honestly. But the DNA, the little, traumatized girl isn’t buying it. SHE has to prove everything. She has to try harder and believes that if she just does this or that, or puts in more effort, doesn’t give up, she’s somehow worthy. She doesn’t know just existing makes her worthy. I want to love HER but she’s like a scared, feral cat cowering in the corner of life. That’s what this boils down to yet again. Worth. Sigh. Why do all roads lead to that? The answer is because life will continue to put the lesson in your path until you learn it. Apparently I continue to skip class when that’s on the lesson plan. 

I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you. Ho’oponopono. A powerful way to cleanse the body of guilt, shame, haunting memories, ill will, or bad feelings that keep the mind fixated on negative thoughts. Turns out I’m pretty fucking dirty. And really tired.