Original post – November 15, 2020

I must apologize. If my desire is for my followers to grow, I feel an obligation to feed the beast on a regular basis (post content) so people don’t lose interest. Life has gotten in the way recently for me and that’s prevented me from collecting myself to write.  So I began to explore that idea. Part of my personal journey is learning to accept where I am, sit with my feelings, and as much as I feel a responsibility to finish my mom’s story both to honor her and to button up her story for those that choose to follow her odyssey, I have to give myself a little grace that right now. It’s just not happening. What is that about? It came to me this morning. It feels like if I finish her story, it’s an ending that I’m not ready for. It’s a goodbye that I don’t want. I will come back to her at some point if for no other reason than to share the best years of mom’s life but today I just can’t. My head and heart are clouded with emotion and overwhelmed and honestly and selfishly, I wish my mom were here. If I close my eyes, I can smell her perfume, I can feel her soft hands, I can hear her soothing voice, and feel her love and comfort. If she were here, I’d lay my head in her lap, she’s play with my hair, and I would cry. She wouldn’t have any profound answers but she wouldn’t have to. She’d just say “I know, honey” and hold me. Instead, I sit on my couch with my best friend Oscar (my cat) and cry alone.

As much as I want her, mom couldn’t be here now. Her lungs were so compromised. She was oxygen dependent for many years. If she were to get the virus, it would be fatal for her for sure and she would hate being cooped up. She would comply with any restrictions and lockdowns because she knew how fragile her health was but even that is interesting to me because she was NOT a rule follower. I think defiant was her middle name. When I do finish her story, remind me to tell you about her names. Sometimes I just shake my head and laugh. She created different identities throughout her life with different names – not split personalities – just different names for differing circumstances. Is it identity theft if the person that she created doesn’t actually exist? But, I digress.

I suppose I should preface the remainder of this post by mentioning that this is going to be part rant, part free association, and part just plain a total downer. But, my feelings have to go somewhere and today I’m overwhelmed and overflowing. Pick a fucking topic for 2020. Where shall I begin? Ah yes, our lovely global pandemic.

COVID sucks. When this first became part of the news, it was this little thing happening in China – interesting, but distant. As it grew and the global attention was drawn to Wuhan, news began to trickle out. I felt somewhat suspicious of the information that we were hearing due to China and its control of the news. In those early days, I was curious but not at all concerned. Then I heard the story about Li Wenliang – the 33 year old, healthy ophthalmologist that died. He had sounded the alarm in December and knew he’d be punished – which he was. He was forced to recant but he knew this was different. It got my attention because he was young and an ophthalmologist. That perked up my ears a bit. As the virus migrated to the US, the first cases that I became aware of were in Seattle. That’s a little close to home. But I still didn’t think much of it. At work, we began having every patient fill out a screening questionnaire that simply had one question on it. “Have you been to China in the past 14 days?” I felt a little silly asking patients to complete the questionnaire. I even joked and said we were fanning the flames of hysteria. The first community case in the US I heard about happened about a mile from where I work. This patient hadn’t traveled to China, didn’t know anyone that was sick, yet he tested positive and became seriously ill. He was hospitalized for months then went into rehab to transition home. Wow. Ok. This might be something to pay attention to. What followed and what continues are months of extreme emotions and constant change. Working in healthcare, the stream of information was rapid fire with ever changing protocols, processes, requirements. I think we are on version 18 or so of the screening questionnaire. First it was China, then China and Italy, then China, Italy, and Iran. The countries increased. Then there were no countries and only symptoms. Today was cough and fever. Tomorrow was nausea and sore throat. The questions changed frequently and the world began to shut down. My work didn’t stop. Each day I went into work scared. I was sure it was just a matter of time until I got sick. I think we were and still are to some degree on different learning curves when it comes to this crisis. Some of us are all in and do all the things to be careful. Others dismiss it as just another flu. Some people decide that complying with the restrictions is an attack on their personal freedoms. Others decide that their kids mental health is more important than staying home. You name it. We all are making our own choices about what is or isn’t worth the risk and the importance we place on those decisions. But for me, with the information I felt I was getting from the inside because I work in healthcare, I was scared. On top of that, there were all the monologues, debates, and arguments with patients at work about mask wearing. Whether or not any of us believe this is fake news, a liberal hoax, just another flu, whatever the fuck, my clinic requires masks at all times, worn correctly, and it is up to me to enforce that. So now not only am I scared but I’m angry all the time. Add to that, reading that grocery stores are calling their employees on the “front lines” heroes and giving hazard pay, my company cut hours, salaries, and furloughed staff. So now we are doing more with less for less money and the corporate position was you should be grateful to have a job at all. They didn’t want to hear that it was hard. Suck it up, buttercup. And here we are, months later, back in quasi lockdown, with no end in sight. How many people have lost jobs, homes, and family members? The world is crying right now – except those flag waving people that I’m not going to further characterize but you can guess where I’m going with that. This crisis has brought people to the extreme of their personality, in my observation. We are all showing our truest selves. Those of us that are generous and concerned for the wellbeing of all are doing more by donating food, sewing masks, supporting local business, checking on our neighbors, etc. Those of us that are on the “every man for himself” train – corporations included, are making different choices and I, for one, am paying attention. I have opinions about what we should all do but I’ll keep those to myself. I will only say that I am the first to support personal freedoms and choice however when your choice can kill someone that makes a different choice, I have a problem with that. As a society, we all agreed that if you want to drink your face off, that’s your right but you don’t get to get behind the wheel in that state and kill an innocent person. I don’t see this any differently.

Black Lives Matter. This topic weighs heavily on me and I’ve been so afraid to comment for fear of saying the wrong thing. I realize that my experience as a white woman precludes me from truly understanding. What I do know is that the death of George Floyd was a horrible mistake and tragedy however, this is not a new occurrence. He is one of many JUST THIS YEAR that are in the news. There are so many that never make the national news. His death was just filmed and went viral. This has been happening for decades. This time, it was out there for everyone to see as it happened. I still haven’t been able to watch the video. But what I know is that now, the best thing I can do is listen. The people of color that I know are exasperated like really? Oh NOW you see? NOW you want to apologize? What exactly would you like to apologize for? This has been my reality since the instant I came into this world. The rules are different for me – always have been – you just haven’t seen it and I’m sorry you’re uncomfortable now but you go figure your shit out. It’s not up to me to enlighten you. Sometimes memes are silly but I saw one that was simple and made a great point. It was about white privilege. It basically said that when a white person gets pulled over by a cop, they are annoyed because they are going to be late to wherever they are going. When a black person gets pulled over, they wonder if this is the day they are going to die. Let that one sink in. As a woman, I know that I can’t explain to a man how it is for a woman no matter how many words I use. I don’t know a single man that has walked to their car with their keys between their fingers or looked under their car before they get in or set up their button on their key fob to only unlock the driver’s door or looked into the back seat before they got in or crossed the street because someone looked sketchy or parked somewhere else or took a different road or worried in an elevator or stairwell. There’s a fundamental caution that all women have when just going about their lives in the world. All of that is so minor in comparison to what people of color have been experiencing for generations. I know I can’t begin to fully “get it” but I’m damn sure gonna try. I hope the protests never end. Our attention span as a nation is so short. I am inspired by the stamina of those that will no longer be quiet and that are demanding change. I don’t support destruction and violence but bringing attention to an issue that has needed to be a priority for far too long has to happen and has to stay in the forefront until lasting change occurs. I may not know what the fuck to do about any of this but I am with you. Teach me.

And we still have COVID – fear of getting it or giving it to someone we love. We have decisions about what is or isn’t safe or worth the risk. We have to figure out how to teach our children from home and still work full time – if we even still have a job. We have fear that we might lose our job despite our years of service or performance. We have fear that we might lose our home or our business or what little savings we might have if we are fortunate enough to have any. We have conflicting thoughts and emotions about all of it. I don’t want to get sick but I don’t want to close my business. I’m sick of being isolated and broke and I want life to go back to normal but I also know that it won’t anytime soon unless I stay home. The things that we do to alleviate stress or distract aren’t available – gyms, movies, visiting friends and family, massage, you name it. 

Now, let’s add some urban wildfires and smoke. In other places, let’s add hurricanes. Where would you like to socially distance in a shelter while your house is destroyed and everything you own is gone? Because you can’t go to loved ones. You can’t go to warehouse shelters. And how about – do I have COVID? Because I’m having trouble breathing. I have a sore throat. I have a cough. Is it smoke or do I have “it?” And, now we are heading into cold/flu season. How is anyone supposed to know what’s what? Do I panic if I get sick? Will a doctor even see me? Will I be required to quarantine? SHOULD I quarantine but will my employer force me to work with double masks and extra temp checks? It’s a clusterfuck. Sure am glad this virus disappeared with the warm weather like the miracle our fearless leader promised. What about a vaccine? Would YOU be first in line? Not me.

Election crazy. I’m so glad it’s over but holy shit, that was exhausting too. I choose to read my news rather than listen. I want to be able to control the input rather than be subject to the firehose that this election season has been. That, and I can’t hear “his” voice. One good thing, in my humble opinion, is the result of the election. No president can undo all that’s been done in the past four years but it won’t get any worse. That job is not one that I envy. What’s first? Virus? Whatever he does will piss off half the country. Kids in cages? Where to begin with that. Prosecuting previous president? Is that on the agenda? Hope so. Economy? See virus strategy. One of the many things that’s made me so angry over the past four years is that the previous president encouraged division not only among political parties but all the way down to kitchen tables and families. This country allows for freedom of choice and thought. We all get one vote. It’s healthy to engage in respectful debate to share our position with those that might disagree with us with hopefully the goal of greater understanding but this president didn’t foster that. He pitted us against one another and egged on name calling, right vs wrong, bullying, divisiveness, hostility, and even violence. We are in such a mess right now. I’m not sure how to begin the healing and reuniting. 

So where am I? I’m exhausted. I have the bandwidth of a gnat. I feel like I cannot take one more thing – but I don’t have a choice about that. My job sucks and I’ll be lucky if I still have one in a month. Everyday it tears me down. I leave work feeling like a failure despite pouring my guts into a company that rewards my hard work with criticism, threats, and pay cuts while projecting an image of caring about its people and its patients.  My close family has left Portland for a variety of reasons. And today, I am weeping. A friend in my circle passed away last night. While she was not a close friend, I just can’t handle death, loss, and goodbyes anymore. It feels cumulative to me after the death of my father. When another goodbye happens, it ALL comes with. It doesn’t matter how big or small, it hits me the same. My dad 26 years ago, my mom 3 years ago, my cat last year – all deaths with profound sadness. Just last week, I got to be with my daughter. She got laid off from her job (fuck you COVID). She worked for Whole Foods corporate as a graphic designer. It was an incredible opportunity and feather in her cap but when people don’t have extra money, they don’t shop at expensive grocery stores so the marketing department is an easy cut. We had to return her computer and such to the office since she’s been working remotely since February. As we were going down the elevator to the parking garage with all of her personal things from her desk, she quietly said “goodbye Whole Foods.” Just hearing those words in my head makes me cry each and every time.  I can’t stop hearing her sweet, sad voice. I cried. She did not. I feel like grief and sadness are just barely lying under the surface just waiting for a trigger and there’s a lot of triggers lately.

So what can I do? I do what I know works. Writing is one thing and what I know is you can type and cry. Writing with pen and paper with tears falling on the pages isn’t so great. This morning I sent out emails sharing the news of our friends passing. I am responding to texts and emails about that. I am answering my phone. I will be putting together a Zoom meeting to honor her. I am trying to find a home for her cat. I am available to those that need to cry or vent. I am here for my daughter with challenges she’s having at the moment. I talk with my friends, family, and mentors. I cook. I love on my cat. I nap. I lean into the sadness. I give myself a break and feel my feelings without judgement. I also know that this too shall pass. This year has been a test of my stamina, to be sure. But this mother fucking year will be but a memory eventually. As I remind my daughter, this is ONE year in a long life. We will all get through it. I have survived 100% of my hardest days thus far and I’ve been through some shit, let me tell you. While at the moment I feel small and exposed, I also know that I am a god damned warrior. I am strong and courageous. I will not break. My experiences can be of use to others. I can be an example of living a full life and showing up with my whole self – tears and all. I can cry and be strong at the same time. Today I feel spent, tired, depleted, and weary. But I will overcome this moment and will rise again. My mother never gave up and I won’t either. For most of my life I thought she was weak but she was the strongest person I know that withstood and endured so much. She taught me that. Life occurs in the in between moments – the liminal spaces. I don’t have a charmed life that’s joy filled but between the difficulties there’s beauty and love. I will ride out this challenging season and chase the goodness that also exists – just there waiting for this bullshit to blow over.