Original post – September 16, 2020

What did you learn when you were little? Did you learn to cook for yourself? Did you learn to clean your house? Budgeting? How to pay bills? Be responsible? Communicate effectively? Conflict resolution? How to have successful relationships? How to love? How to deal with your feelings? How to do life? How to take care of yourself? How to take care of others? Who taught you? Anyone? Or did you pick it up along the way?

I learned a bit of those things, I suppose. But there’s so much that I didn’t learn and wish I had. My life would be a lot simpler if I didn’t have to figure this shit out in my 50’s. My young life was such an odd combination of things. On the one hand, I have felt like an adult my whole life but I didn’t learn the basics of how to care for myself, to care for a home, to be responsible – but yet I did in a backwards way. On the other hand, because I grew up without gaining those skills, I’ve always felt ill equipped to deal with life and somewhat child like. You see, in the early years, my parents weren’t really parents, for a variety of reasons. Both were active alcoholics. Mom had unconventional ideas about parenting and motherhood. I’m not sure it was ever in her life plan to have children so when she found herself with three, close in age ankle biters, she didn’t know what the hell to do. Dad was pretty absent from what I remember. But Mom treated us as equals which had it positives and negatives. She always used to say “we’re all in this together.” But I wanted a parent to handle shit. That wasn’t her. We were going to figure things out together. She equipped us with adult wisdom and painted a very real picture of what life was actually like and what we could expect. The downside to that attitude was there was no sheltering or shielding from the reality of life and in those years, the reality of life was super scary.

Here are somethings I did learn. I learned how to forge my Mom’s signature because she was too “sick” to sign notes for the teacher. I learned to pour a little out of booze bottles and change the mark so they wouldn’t know I did it. I learned to make a whiskey and water just right. I learned how to open childproof pill bottles for my Mom. I learned how to dial a rotary phone silently. I learned how to pull the cereal off the bottom shelf to feed myself. I learned that sometimes I had to feed myself and other times, I wasn’t allowed to touch any food because it might be an ingredient for dinner. I learned how to give my Mom injections. I learned it was a good idea to go around the house before bed and put out forgotten lit cigarettes. I learned that other kids wore clean clothes and had hair without rats nests. I learned how to be invisible. I learned how to always answer with “fine” when asked how I was. I learned how to make excuses for others. I learned that life isn’t fair. I learned that my sister was Santa Claus. I learned that sometimes you have to return your Christmas gifts the next day. I also learned how to have perfect posture. I learned how to walk with a book on my head. I learned how to walk with one foot directly in front of the other like models do. I learned perfect table manners. Eventually, I learned to cook a little so I could cook for my Mom. I learned to do a little laundry. I learned to steal cigarettes and smoke in the laundry room when I couldn’t deal with my feelings. Mostly, I learned to survive.

Here are some things I never learned. I never learned how to maintain a house – that there are chores that need to be done regularly. I never learned to budget or save money. I never learned to take care of anything, really. Well, I take that back. I took care of my mom for years but that was out of necessity. I didn’t value things (still don’t) because I never had any so when I acquired things, I didn’t know how to maintain anything. Oil change? Why? Tune up? Waste of money. Home maintenance? It’s not completely broken, right? I didn’t learn how to care for and nurture a relationship. I didn’t learn how to care for myself beyond the most basic of needs. Self care? Might as well be Swahili. I never learned how to manage big feelings or navigate through challenges. I never learned to have faith through the darkness and that this too shall pass. I never learned to hope. I never learned to believe in myself aside from my ability to not die.

So where does this leave me now? I am learning all of these things now – yes, NOW. I’m not great at any of it but it’s a start. I still don’t go to the doctor or dentist unless it’s a crisis. I don’t take care of my car as well as I could. I haven’t loved up my house to make it a nest of comfort for myself. There’s still unpacked boxes in the living room and not a picture on the wall. But more than anything, I’m trying to learn to self soothe and to comfort myself. IT’S HARD!!!! I don’t like to feel and I really don’t like to feel anything unpleasant – fear, anger, frustration, insecurity, sadness, etc. I want to change how I feel right now or distract myself and feel nothing. This is why I drank, smoked, gambled, had relationships (if you can call them that – is one night a relationship?), ate, slept, anything but feel my feelings. I never learned to ride out how I feel – to sit with it. In my family, the answer was a drink or a pill or both. That was the lesson and example at home.

Today, I’m trying. I’m learning to do things differently but boy howdy, am I impatient. Learning new skills and strategies for living a full and rich, satisfying life takes time. Turns out it take a LONG time. For someone like me, that’s torture. I want instant gratification. Look, I did a thing! Where’s the ticker tape parade? Where’s the life changing experience? Another thing I never learned is to put in the work, persevere, and trust the process. Short term sacrifice for long term gain wasn’t a thing. When you live hand to mouth for so long, long term doesn’t exist. I wasn’t even sure I was gonna grow up so there’s no planning or investment of time into something that will payoff later. Even our “college fund,” which was a coffee can partially filled with quarters disappeared regularly to buy booze and smokes so obviously THEY weren’t planning for the future either.

This self care shit isn’t for sissies, I tell ya. How many suggestions have I been given? Have a nice cup of tea. Go for a walk. Take a bath. Read a book. I can do any or all of those things and feel nothing other than stupid. See me walking now? I’m walking. I’m self caring now. See? Or, see me drinking tea? Yep, it’s tea. It’s hot. Sip. Sip. The only thing that feels like self care in my life is extravagant. When I’m sitting on a beach in Mexico and swimming in the ocean, I am well aware of what a treat that is for me. I am completely in the moment with all of my senses engaged. I feel the ocean breeze and the warmth of the sun on my skin. I feel the coolness of the sand when I dig my feet in a little. I smell the tropical flowers and listen to the surf. I watch the waves and the palm trees blowing in the wind. That doesn’t happen at home. I seldom notice anything when I’m out for a walk and if I do, it’s like yep, there’s another fir tree. There’s another grey cloud. It’s all so been there, done that. (who am I kidding – I haven’t taken a walk for walk’s sake in years) It isn’t at all satisfying or restorative. But a once a year thing with white knuckling in between does not a life make. Somehow I gotta figure out how to replicate how I feel on vacation in my day to day. And, I don’t just feel good because I’m not at work. It’s everything. I don’t have that answer yet but at least I’m paying attention to what does work and trying to come up with different choices.

So here’s the last list of things in this post. This whole COVID/protests/black lives matter/wildfires and smoke/impending doom of a presidential election year that we are having has forced me to pay attention to what feels good and what takes from me. It’s also caused me to label things differently and stop discounting the good in my life. Instead of being aware of what I do have, I tend to spend my life in “yeah but I don’t have” land so the good doesn’t count. This year is kicking everyone’s ass, mine included. I have two choices – do things differently or let it take me down. There’s no in between this year. So here are the things that have been feeding my soul this year that have been sustaining me. My dear Oscar – my 16 year old cat/dog that is always with me. I get up to go to another room, he comes with, even if he was asleep when I got up. Loving on him and stroking his soft hair is everything. Having a little purring, love sponge that’s always happy to see me and awaiting my return has carried me this year. I will not discount this time with him, especially since his days are numbered. My dear friends – a couple of women that mean the world to me. They let me rant and cry, they listen when I’m scared, they make me laugh when that’s the only medicine that will do, they tell me the truth when I don’t want to hear it, they teach me how to do life, and they show up for me in my life in every way. I appreciate them more and more by the day. My daughter – any conversation with her is precious whether it be via text or Zoom. Being a mother to her is the single most fulfilling experience in my life, bar none. That is the one area in my life that I am absolutely proud of how I’ve conducted myself and the shepherd into independence that I’ve been for her. I’ve provided her the freedom to figure out who she is, to make mistakes within the safety of our home and my love, to dream and to go after those dreams. As she’s become older, I’ve shared more personal experiences as she faces new, adult challenges in her life. I will always be grateful for her. My time with her has taught me more than I could describe and helped me to grow beyond my limited experiences. Mentoring other women – that’s a pretty cool similarity to being a mom. I get to share my experience, strength, and hope with other women that are in pursuit of their best lives too. Driving in the car with the music blaring and the windows down, singing. I snicker to myself imagining what others must think of this grey haired lady bumpin’ down the road with shades on. New toothbrushes, clean sheets, hot showers, luxurious naps. Zoom. Speaking my mind on controversial issues and supporting causes that I believe in and are important to me. Doing what I can. The knowledge that we are, in fact, all in this together. Rather than focusing on the assholes that are what I call “the only person in the world,” or “the velvet rope” people, or the “red carpet” people that think they are entitled to special treatment and to spew their opinions about whatever bullshit topic of the day they choose to wave a banner about, I am paying attention to and giving my energy to those that believe as I do – that we are all better together, that we are only as strong as our weakest member, that we build a bigger table, not a taller fence, that we celebrate each other’s triumphs and provide a shoulder when we falter. We lift each other up. These are a few of the things that keep me slugging away, day after day, in a very difficult year for everyone. Without the effort to notice these things and how they make me feel better, I might be under a blanket in the fetal position until 2020 is over, maybe longer. I didn’t come to the party with many tools in my back pocket but it turns out if you just show UP to the party, surround yourself with loving people that are smarter than you, and pay attention, the tools are there for the taking.