Original post – August 20, 2020

When did it become more effective to use bullshit buzzwords instead of actually saying what you really mean? And who decided that? Is it the marketing people of the world? The spin doctors? Maybe it’s some overpaid brainiac in a cubicle coming up with this nonsense. Are there seminars to learn this crap? Maybe there’s a PowerPoint “deck” presented with their idiotic definitions. Perhaps it was on a conference call. Can everyone hear me Ok? Ok, let’s get started. Can everyone see my screen? Hi, who just joined? Can everyone go on mute please? I think I might be cutting out. Can you still hear me? I sure as hell don’t know who comes up with this gibberish but I do know that I don’t get it. And dear God, please smack me if you hear me use this foolishness. 

I just don’t fit into corporate culture, apparently. Silly me, I value honesty and authenticity and people that speak effing English! I work for a massive corporation at the moment. I’ve worked for other large companies but this one is on steroids. It’s like there’s some department that creates manuals for management because the mumbo jumbo that is perpetuated up and down the food chain is just beyond ridiculous. It’s an entirely different language. I wonder if they know there are actual experts that conduct real management training seminars. You know, conferences that teach communication, among other things. I’m guessing not because I’ve been a manager there for five years and nothing has ever been offered up. Or, perhaps they know I already know how to talk like an actual person. Yeah, that’s it. Yup.

My bosses have a plethora of bullshit buzzwords in their back pocket that they spew so effortlessly but leaves me like a puppy with my head cocked to the side. WHAT ARE YOU ACTUALLY SAYING?!?!?!?! Here are some of my favorites with my thoughts.

Reach out – why can’t we just say CALL SO AND SO? Why must I “reach out?” Can’t I just email them? And as long as we’re “reaching out,” why do I have to “loop you in?” Can’t I just give you an update? Oh wait, I know what you want. You want me to “circle back.” Perhaps I can just copy you on the email. But looping? Is there a lasso involved? Cuz that might be cool.

Let’s move on to “I’m being completely transparent.” Translation – I’m lying to you. I’m withholding information. Not to be confused with a “compliment sandwich.” WTF? Who came up with THAT gem? You know Mark, you’re really good at the details. I appreciate that. But you’re late every day and if you’re late one more time, we’re gonna have to let you go. But you bring so much to the team so thank you for that. Again, confusion. Wait, what? This is an actual tactic used where I work and I’ve been coached to employ this strategy with my team. Um, yeah, I won’t be doing that. I’ll just talk to you about being tardy and help you problem solve. Maybe the answer is your shift needs to start later. But I’m not gonna wedge what could be a difficult conversation between meaningless, fluffy, empty compliments. I don’t know. Maybe that’s “transparency?” And don’t get me started with prefacing a sentence with “trust me.” That’s my signal that whatever bullshit comes next is not to be believed. Honest people don’t have to announce that they should be trusted. Oh wait, you’re saying trust me. That means right NOW I can trust you but unless you start every sentence with those two words, it’s questionable. Got it. 

When did the word “ask” become a noun? This is a personal pet peeve. “My ask is that you follow up on this.” Why can’t you just say you expect me to follow up??? What the hell is an “ask?” And for the love, please tell me that “ask” as a noun hasn’t been added to the dictionary. That’s a fingernails on the chalkboard word for me. :::::Shudder::::: And then of course there’s “moving forward,” I’d like you to do x, y, and z. That often times means you screwed the pooch LAST time, so “moving forward,” let’s not do that again. (you have one more chance, asshole).

Now for some rapid fire:

Hard stop – as opposed to a soft stop? Is a soft stop sort of like sliding into home plate?

Buy In – you’re not gonna like this but just nod and smile and you don’t get to complain later because you bought it. All sales are final.

Efficiency/Running lean – you are going to do more with less and you’re gonna like it so we can make more profit off your blood, sweat and tears. Oh and we might pay you less because you know, COVID.

New Normal – see Efficiency/Running Lean

Metrics – arbitrary numbers on some spreadsheet monitored by someone from afar who is extremely over paid. I think they’re sadists. Let’s see what kind of insane, meaningless hoops we can create and watch the minions lose their minds trying to jump through. I can just see them snickering and rubbing their hands together. Evil, evil people. 

Huddle – are we football players now? Cuz I’m not having any fun although I do often feel bruised and battered at the end of the day. Do we get football salaries? Do the men have to wear cups? How about the black face paint? That would be awesome peeking out above the mask. Do we get to yell Hut! Hut! Hut? How about smacking each other on the ass when we’re done?

Cascade – this happens in huddles. Can’t we just talk? Share information? Is it a waterfall? Mountain chain? I don’t get it. 

Hold accountable – your head is gonna roll if you fuck this up.

Own It – part of hold accountable. There’s a bullseye on your back.

Deep Dive – not to be confused with 30,000 feet. Are we scuba diving or skydiving? Do we get to choose? Do I have to provide my own parachute or will I be issued one with the corporate logo on it? Do we have to get certified to scuba in a pool in Mexico? Cuz if so, I’m down.

What Good Looks Like – I’m picturing the Miss America pageant for some reason. Do the “good people” parade by us with a tiara and a sash, smiling and waving? Is that what good looks like? Could be.

I find it hard to pay attention to conference calls with this language. I scratch my head a lot and wonder what the fuck they actually mean. I try. I take notes. I ask clarifying questions. I’m still lost. Maybe I’m a unicorn or just a freak of nature. Hard to say. I am actually open, honest, and direct. I’m not sure why that isn’t valued in corporate culture but it sure doesn’t seem to be. The truth is sacrificed in favor of agreeing at all costs. I’m a say what I mean, mean what I say, but don’t say it mean person. I’m a square peg in a round hole and I’m very good with that. I don’t want any of that craziness to feel Ok to me. My biggest challenge is balancing how to remain true to who I am without pissing off my bosses. Sometimes it feels like I’m not being authentic which makes me crazy but I’m learning that I’m paid to just nod and smile. I’m not paid enough.