Time is a funny thing, don’t you think? When I am in a challenging period in my life, a month seems like a year – or when I’m anticipating something that I’m excited about, same story, time can’t go fast enough. But it works the other way too. When something amazing is happening and I want to stop time, suddenly the days race by before I can catch my breath.

I’ve been keeping a bit of a secret, I suppose. Oftentimes, I use this space to process my life but I find myself in a situation that has been so special, I wanted to keep it all to myself. I’ve shared here and there with a few friends privately, but it has now become so important to me that my emotions are spilling out. I don’t think I want to process this solely in my head. My thoughts and feelings are too big to be contained in my body. I need to put them out into the universe so they can dissipate. Then, I can find the clarity necessary to move forward.

The “situation” that I’m referring to is a man in my life. That may not seem like a big deal but it is to me. I haven’t dated in 13 years. I thought it was 12 but I can’t keep track of time since COVID started. Didn’t we all lose a year? Anyway, there were a lot of reasons I chose not to date. Probably the number one reason is that I needed to do a bunch of work on my head and my heart. I had trauma living in my body that would no longer be denied. I had a daughter at home that was my priority. I had also decided that there were no men that were going to bring anything to my life but rather, would take from me in some way. I was tired of making poor choices, being mistreated, and accepting bullshit because I didn’t think I deserved better. (see: lucky to be chosen in previous blog posts.) I didn’t need a man nor did I want one. I could live my life exactly as I wanted, I could parent exactly how I wanted, I could make all the decisions in my life without feeling like I needed to consult anyone else, there were a lot of positives to being single. I had not only accepted but embraced that I would spend the rest of my life alone. I didn’t long for companionship. I wasn’t lonely. I was juuuuuust fine, thank you. Was I lacking joy and passion? Yeah. But I was willing to live a life where I found joy in being a mother, a friend, a mentor, and a sister rather than deal with the sorrow and disappointment that romantic love always brought to my life.

Fast forward through a long, convoluted story but I made a single decision to change my life and since that decision, everything has changed. Probably the biggest change has been what I believed was possible for me. I’d observe others realizing amazing dreams and what if’s but those things were never available to me until a year ago. I opened myself to a super scary possibility, took a job, got rid of everything I own, and moved across the ocean in the middle of a pandemic by myself. The more I say those words the more I begin to see that I am, in fact, kind of a badass. This chapter of my life has been all about discovery and exploration. My past has been about tallying up evidence to support the idea that nothing good ever happens to me. This year has been experience after experience that has challenged that belief. It’s like I turned the heaviest page in the book that is my life. Everything is different and the world is opening up to me in unbelievable ways. I began to think hmmmmm, what IF I put myself out there? What IF I considered dating? What the hell, why not? So I joined a few free online dating apps, took a few selfies (ok, a few thousand to get one or two that were presentable), wrote a little something about being new to Hawaii, and clicked a button. That led to months of fake people, scammers, losers, predators, and disgust. Hope was long gone. There was zero chance I would encounter someone worth two minutes of my time much less any effort to meet in person. I was just bored enough though that I continued to entertain the idea. 

I’ll spare you all the details although the details are unbelievably wonderful. A man sent me a simple message and for some reason unknown to me, I decided to meet him immediately. And so began a brand new, unexpected journey for me. To say I was into this man from the word go would be a gigantic understatement. The instant we met, I knew he was different. Everything he said or did from that moment on confirmed that. We began to spend time together and each time, I continued to be impressed and in awe of the caliber of this man. It was so much more than not feeling anything for over a decade so any feeling was big. That wasn’t it. This is a feeling I’d never experienced in my life. I wanted more and more and more. I tried really hard not to judge myself for what I was feeling as I’d done so many times to others when they’d meet the new flavor of the week and gush about it. I think several things are in play. I am at a place in my life due to years on this planet and countless hours of introspection and therapy that I am crystal clear on who I am, what I want, and what I do not want. As I’ve said to him already, had I met him at pretty much any other time in my life, he wouldn’t have been attracted to me and I wouldn’t have been ready for a good man.

So things were happening very quickly for me. I made the choice to feel my feelings and enjoy the ride. Things were going swimmingly and I, of course, could not stay in the moment to save my life. I was barreling down an imaginary path of what could be because remember? Suddenly good things DO happen in my life now, right? Well, enter history. After an all day, once in a lifetime experience together on this island, he asked me a simple question. “If you knew that something wouldn’t last as long as you wanted it to, would you still want it?” My response was “I don’t like that question.” What he had to tell me was that he’s moving away from Hawaii, and soon. Needless to say, that was a big bombshell of shit that sure felt familiar. While I told him it didn’t matter, I wanted to carry on with him, he requested that I go home, sleep on it, and let him know my decision. So off I went. I drove home, cried, didn’t sleep, and cried some more. It’s such a fun game that I play in my head. The pathway to my decision was painful and exhausting. See? You never should have opened your heart. What were you thinking? Why on earth did you think it could ever be different for you? You were foolish to think a man of this quality could ever be into you. The universe hates me. Why would this man come into my life, show me what’s possible with an unbelievable person, only to rip him from my future? And let’s not even talk about self worth, deserving, or any of the extra special shame that bathes me when I’m hurting. 

So what was my decision? When the emotional tsunami subsided, I was left with what is real. And what is real is that this man is incredible even in this moment. His reasons for relocating are impressive and respectable and honestly, make me want to be with him even more. How and when he chose to disclose this to me was done so with honor and integrity. He wasn’t rejecting me. He had a life plan before he met me and his choices had nothing to do with me. The only thing that changed was what was possible – so I thought at the time. I strongly considered walking away from him but once again, I chose to be brave. I want this man. I want to be with this man. Why would I deprive myself of this experience simply because I don’t get the outcome that I want? Here’s a man I didn’t even know I was searching for all my life, right in front of me, and I’m going to walk away because it’s going to end? Fuck that. There’s NO guarantees in life even if he were staying. This, whatever this is, could crash and burn tomorrow. So I stayed. And initially I thought Ok, but I’m going to hold back. I’m going to hang out with him, have fun, see the island, and detach. But then I thought, why would I do that? This feels so good. I’m gonna chase that feeling with my eyes wide open. So I told him that I’m in until one of three things happen: 1) He leaves. 2) I can’t handle it and can’t maintain my perspective. 3) It doesn’t work for him. But what exactly is my perspective? Fuck if I know. I think that when I thought that, I was thinking that if I could see getting my heart broken, I’d bow out. But then I challenged that belief. Why, if we had an amazing time together when he was here and he leaves, does that equal heartbreak? It doesn’t! It. Does. Not. It just means he left and I had a wonderful love story, albeit brief. Will I cry? A lot? Absolutely, for sure. Will I be Ok? Same answer – absolutely, for sure.

Everything happens for a reason, as he says all the time. Sometimes we don’t know the reason in the moment, perhaps we never know. But there’s been some lessons in my face throughout this time with him and those are the reasons he came into my life, among maybe a few unknown others. It’s time for me to walk the walk and live the words that I preach. Stay in the moment. Let go of the outcome. Live fully. Love deeply. Be brave. Take risks. Remember who I am. Remember that I am responsible for my happiness or sadness. I decide how to frame the experiences of my life. Meeting him was the greatest surprise and another test from the universe. Here’s everything you’ve ever wanted in a man on a silver platter. What are you gonna do? Are you gonna retreat into safety and mediocrity or are you going to dig deep, find your courage, and take the biggest risk possible for me which is opening my heart to the possibility of love? I will choose love, all day long. Love has always been my choice though it was pointed toward my daughter, my friends, and my family – which isn’t risky at all. But romantic love was way too scary to even consider, hence the figurative convent I lived in for so long. I have come to realize that my purpose on this earth is to share my heart with others. That can show up in many ways. It can be creating safety for others to reveal their true selves. It can mean mentoring other women that are struggling to heal from trauma and live their best lives. It might be seeing people for who they really are behind their armor and believing in them despite where they are in life at the moment. And surely it’s by sharing my story so others can see it’s possible to triumph over tragedy, that it’s never too late to live, and that things can change on a dime in the best ways possible, if you truly open yourself up to the idea.

Today, the one factor that stood in the way of the clock ticking for him to move away has been overcome and now, our time together is very limited. If he’s here for another month, I’d be shocked. So I get to see him maybe 8 more times, 4 weekends, at most, maybe less. Do I have any regrets? Would I have made different choices or done anything differently? Not a chance. One thing I contemplated a lot was how much do I share with him about how I am feeling? Part of me didn’t want to scare him but I checked in with my core beliefs yet again for guidance. Do I want a man that’s afraid of big emotions? No, I do not. If he runs because my feelings for him are stronger than his are for me, so be it. But he didn’t. He stayed.

My future before I met him was uncertain and that remains true. I was living the philosophy of take life one day at a time, be open to what presents itself, and make decisions as choices appear for me. When I moved to Hawaii, I knew it would be for a short time. How long I’d stay was unclear but it didn’t matter. I was told that the island would decide how long I get to stay. Well, I was going to preempt that by returning to Oregon before the island told me. But so much has changed for me. I now know that it would be very difficult for me to choose to live in the dark again – the dark being Oregon with the 9 months of overcast skies, the limited daylight for many months of the year, the wet, the cold, all of it. Seasonal affective disorder is real. There are not enough medications, SAD lights, or therapists to combat my head in Oregon. I worked SO hard to keep my head above water there but that’s just it – barely above water. Life shouldn’t be so hard. The sun has shown me that my brain isn’t broken. I feel better in this climate than ever before in my life – unmedicated for the first time in 3 decades.

So what now? The future is wide open for me. I may stay in Hawaii. I may move to Mexico where I love the culture and it’s cheap to live a comfortable life. I may finally write my book, become wildly successful, quit my job, and travel. I am sure that I will find a sense of purpose wherever I land because that is necessary and I’m hoping my writings will fulfill that need. But I can tell you that I have, indeed, let go of the outcome, including the sad one. I am not willing to accept that there’s no future with my man – I can say “my man” for a bit longer. = ) No one knows what tomorrow will bring. Nothing is ever certain. But I do accept that I have no control over the future. Of course I wish I had had more time with him because I truly believe that if we had more time together before he goes, he too might come to believe what I already know, which is that we could have a great life together. Who knows? I have no anchors in Hawaii. He may go and miss the hell outta me and take a chance. Unlikely. I’m not counting on anything. Either way, I have a lifelong friend in another part of the world, perhaps in another country, and he has a place to stay in Hawaii for as long as I’m here. And my job is to lather, rinse, repeat – be authentic, always, live in the moment, stay in the present, let go of the outcome, show up with my whole heart, and share all of me for as long as we have. It’s my time. My life has been about others for so long. It’s time for me to create the future that brings me joy. I’ve always wanted to go to South America and I hear the weather in Florida is lovely this time of year. I do have the wanderlust of a gypsy, after all. Some may say I AM a gypsy. *wink* But I’d be super Ok if someone could stop the clock.